What the last three years have taught me


The last three years of college have taught me that:

  • the rubber from the Kibbie Dome field will stay embedded in your socks for eternity.
  • they don’t call it “Wish You Were Dead Week” for nothing.
  • the Dollar Store is a good place at which to lose money and gain worthless yet awesome crap with which to decorate the house/lawn/car.
  • if you work your ass off, you can get a Bachelors in 2 ½ years.
  • it doesn’t take much to ruin the movie 300 for your friends.
  • marching band pretty much rocks.
  • our upstairs neighbors are stupid.
  • drag shows are awesome and lead to interesting stories.
  • 1-800-BUTTSEX is a real number.
  • Wallace sucks.
  • the U of I in general sucks.
  • no matter how many times you wash the floor, if you live in a room in Wallace, the sand from the sidewalks in winter will NEVER go away.
  • the table in the Commons will keep you entertained. Forever.
  • Kermit’s loins are soft and pants-shaped.
  • Ren’s boobs are god.
  • relationships are always better if they begin by making out in a random place.
  • stereotypical philosophy teachers = sexy.
  • I still can’t do algebra.
  • the Enlightenment was the best time period ever.
  • carving genetalia out of erasers actually does reduce the stress of a 25-credit semester.
  • you shouldn’t take 25-credit semesters.
  • GPA miracles DO happen.
  • Dr. O’Rourke is badass.
  • the Quote Book is law.
  • weird things happen in multidimensional spaces (thanks, Dr. Lee).
  • parties at Maggie’s are fun and often result in me wearing bras that don’t fit.
  • Leibniz is the greatest person that has ever lived.
  • Newton is a thief and a liar.
  • we will never know if love is universal or not (long story).
  • Rock Band is quite possibly the best thing ever.
  • sometimes things just work out.
  • Pink Pearls are valuable tools in keeping one’s sanity.
  • leftover Flex Dollars will earn you friends as well as a huge bag of candy at the end of the semester.
  • noodles with shredded cheese on them are the food of the gods.
  • spaghetti is pretty awesome, too.
  • college drama is even more ridiculous than high school drama.
  • late night discussions with Sean over MSN Messenger are worth staying up until 4 AM, even when you have class at 8:30 the next morning.
  • in heaven there is no beer. Thus explaining why we drink it here.
  • Karmic debt can be repaid in worrying about how the universe will make you repay your karmic debt.
  • I still suck at Flash.
  • fall semesters are substantially worse for your morale than spring semesters.
  • everybody needs an Orgy Couch.
  • zeppelins are hilarious.
  • midnight runs to Shari’s are made of win.
  • Sean is not allowed to wear socks (another long story).
  • clown music, funny as it may be, is not suitable for concert band.
  • drawing naughty pictures is always an appropriate and productive activity, regardless of what you’re supposed to be doing at the time.
  • the Clock Crew is my second family.
  • finals = panic attacks.
  • the progression from “box of random magnetic words” to “series of naughty phrases on the fridge” is a law of nature.
  • Aaron is a robot killer.
  • if you spend enough time there, the Ag Sci computer lab is like your home.
  • there are few things funnier than Ballroom Blitz sung in a Scottish accent.
  • Benny Lava requires a bun in order to be bitten.
  • the Registrar is not to be trusted.
  • apparently my dad is a good enough professor to warrant his own Facebook fan group.
  • 1 + 1 = 1…in BOOOOOOOOLEAN ALGEBRA!!!!
  • you should never underestimate the Papin brothers.
  • mice families are hard to kill once they start to make babies in your microwave (again, a long story).
  • milking he-brides is an appropriate concert band activity.
  • so is doing the Macarana.
  • working at the U of I is quite possibly the worst thing you can do to yourself.
  • you are still forced to make collages in 300-level classes.
  • you can make a “your mom” joke out of anything (e.g. “This milk is expired.” “So’s YOUR MOM!”).
  • Soylent Glitter is people!
  • math 143 can suck it.
  • you can survive solely on instant mashed potatoes and M&Ms for at least 10 months.
  • Symbolic Logic is scary as shit, but is totally worth it.
  • islands sold on eBay make great conversation topics.
  • Millard Fillmore = best president ever.
  • I ON DA COLE TRAIN!!!!

One response

  1. […] What I learned during my first round of […]

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