Ready for a blast from the past?
I wasn’t. But I got one today anyway.
It’s Jessica. As in, “Rob and Jessica.” As in, the “I hate you because the guy I like decided to ask you out, you trickster whore” Jessica.
Yeah. Her.
The last contact we had was back in 2008. This is the first I’ve heard from her since then.
So here are my questions: am I a petty asshole for not wanting to reply to this at all? Is it wrong of me to think that this (nearly 10 years after the fact) apology does not make up for all of this bullshit? Am I a bad person for getting all riled up about that whole damn Rob/Jessica nonsense again just based on this message?
Actually, you know what? I don’t actually care about the answers to those questions.
I’m not going to reply to her message. Maybe it’s because I’m a petty asshole. Maybe it’s because I’m wrong in thinking that an apology doesn’t make up for all the nonsense she pulled back in 2008. Maybe it’s because I’m a bad person. I don’t actually care. The more I think about all that 2008 nonsense with her and Rob and myself and all the related drama, the more I realize that the current me would not have put up with any of that. I would have dropped it all before it got as ridiculous as it did.
And while I can’t change the past, I can make up for it in the present. How? By not engaging. By not putting up with anything related to any of that goddamn drama that made the first half of 2008 so ridiculous.*
Petty? Maybe. Healthy? Yes.
Sorry, I just felt like talking about this, so of course it had to go on my blog.
*I just wanted to date Sean. I just wanted to date Sean. Instead I got to be part of the soap opera shitfest that was getting involved with Rob. Shoot 2008 me in the face.
More Spookiness – 2008 Version
So remember on Monday when I said I didn’t want to talk about the Idler’s Rest thing ‘cause it was too freaky?
I want to talk about the Idler’s Rest thing.
Actually, my original post on it way back in 2008 was pretty short and crappy, mainly because when I posted it I was still freaked out by the whole thing. But given that it’s been awhile (and given that I’m still thinking about those Reddit posts, haha), let’s relive some trauma, okay?
ALRIGHTY!
So this happened in the summer of 2008. Rob and I usually took my mom’s car on the weekend—either Saturday or Sunday—to go on our little “dates” because we didn’t want to go to my dad’s house and we couldn’t go to his house because…yeah.
Anyway, on this particular day we decided to drive out to Idler’s Rest and just hang out there for the day. I think we brought a tent and camped out until it got dark, and then just sat in the car.
Actually, we put the back seats down and just laid in the very back looking up at the stars through the moon roof. And no, there was no perversion; what we were actually doing was debating free will and determinism, haha. I remember our debate lasted for like 5 hours and by the time it had mostly worn down it was near midnight.
Anyway, we kept talking for awhile until all of a sudden we both got really quiet. I’d gotten this extremely unsettling feeling—like our lives were in immediate danger. I look over at Rob and he whispered the same thing—that he suddenly felt like something was really wrong.
It felt like there was something right outside the car. It felt like it—and we were both feeling like if we were to get up off the back floor the thing, whatever it was, would see us and attack.
I am not exaggerating; I know it sounds super dumb, but we were both actually shaking because we really, really felt like we were in danger. I don’t know if it was an animal or a human, but I’ve never felt so scared in my entire life. It’s hard to describe exactly what it was like, but it was almost as if we could sense it trying to look into the car to see if there were people in it.
(I’m getting serious chills writing about this even though it’s been like six years.)
So we stayed as still as we could for like ten minutes and the feeling never passed, so eventually we decided that we’d motor to the front seats, chuck the keys in the ignition as fast as we could, and gun it out of there.
Which is what we did.
Even on the ride back into Moscow that unsettling feeling didn’t go away for either of us. Later, after I’d dropped Rob off at his house, he messaged me asking if I’d gotten home okay. We still were both feeling really, really scared. I actually checked the newspaper the next morning to see if there had been anyone killed out at Idler’s Rest (or in Moscow itself)—that’s how strong the feeling was.
It did finally go away by that next morning and neither of us could ever offer an explanation of why we’d felt that way, but we’d both felt it very, very strongly.
It’s still the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me, even though nothing really happened. It wouldn’t have been so scary, I think, if only one of us had felt so unsettled, but we both felt it and we’d both started feeling it at the same time.
Blaughghghg. I’m freaked out just thinking about it again.
Haha, happy early Halloween I guess.
The Jessica Saga
[Blogger’s note: this one got lost somehow and never got posted when it was originally supposed to!]
For whatever the hell reason, tonight I decided it would be a good idea to go back and look at my old MSN Messenger chat logs from a few years ago. The ones I spent most of my time reading were the ones between Jessica (Rob’s ex (maybe?????) girlfriend at the time) and myself. Most of these were during the time between my first date with Rob and my second date with Rob.
And you know what I’ve learned from re-reading these? Three main things:
- Good lord, that girl needed therapy.
- I used to be Captain Pushover.
- Present Day Claudia would not have put up with this garbage for nearly as long.
That last point makes me feel really good, actually. I mean, look at some of this vitriolic nonsense. I’m glad I wouldn’t stand for this crap anymore. Jessica’s in blue; I’m in red.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad… just I think I’m going to wind up loosing him to you
But why do you want to have a relationship with him???
why?
WHY?
I wish things weren’t like this
Same here
then how do you wish they were?
Easier, I don’t know
easier on who or for who??? HUH?
It almost sounds like he wants you to have a relationship with him how you’re saying it
Well, he does, I think…
He asked me on the date, after all, and he asked me on another afterwards…
WTF
Did he not tell you any of this?
I already know about the date on Friday
Just go do what you want
So had you guys really not discussed this, is that why you both went off for about an hour?
just forget it go do what you want
Well…I still feel very bad…
Forget it I give up I’m leaving you alone go on with your god damn life!
WHat the hell are you telling rob now?
MOre shit to make him mad?
I hate talking about you and ROb….
Well, then we don’t have to talk about it
It’s what’s bothering me most right now anyway
oh and I really don’t think highly of you
but you shouldn’t care what I think got it?
What are you up to other than talking to Rob?
Not too much
What about you?
Being a mess
Anything I can do?
Stop asking
I’d get Rob pissed at me
YOu know that
Then I’ll stop asking
Cause my answer would be is don’t fall in love with Rob
got it chickie?
I just don’t like how often you and Rob are having dates
Well, the one on Friday will only be our second
SIck of me huh?
I wonder who you’re hiding from… you okay kid?
This is all I”m going to say
I hate that you like him that he likes you and that you two want to have a relationship
Goodbye
Why do you like Rob?
I won’t bite I’m sorry
But do you really know how much of an asshole he is ?
YOu also made out with him how about that? Was that his choice too?
A guy probably isn’t going to say no to an idea like that…
He initiated it
What?
Or rather, it was kind of a mutual initiation
YOu two live in a fucked up little world
I fucking hate you
He’s got problems he won’t deal with he’s scared of trying….
He won’t talk to me anymore
I HATE YOU
YOu ruined fucking Pi day
You ruined it!
I’m sorry
But it was his decision to tell you everything that night, I said nothing about anything regarding that
YOu didn’t cause that fucking decision?
I didn’t tell him to say anything, if that’s what you mean
What did you say to him?
I didn’t say anything
He told me he was going to do it, and he did it
But you made him break a promise
What promise?
When he’d be back
I asked him if he needed to get back, and he said no
No no let’s go get food let’s go make out…
you’re toying with his feelings
I really hate you
I hope your relationship goes to hell I really do
You make me feel very depressed
That whole Rob relationship was toxic. Every bit of it. Ick.
Ch-ch-check it out!
It’s another one of my blog titles that has nothing to do with the actual blog!
Anyway, so Rob and I were talking online because I was doing math and was hating it and wanted someone to talk to, so we got all…how to say it…”philosophical”, in a way, and I got this grand idea, because I’m so lonely, to get a golf ball and paint a little face on it (ala Cast Away so that I can have a little friend in my room to talk to.
My new best friend, Titleist. He’s a Virgo with a promising future in makeup artistry. He has a weakness for poetry and enjoys, on occasion, a horse ride on the beach during a sunset.
*cough*gaygolfball*cough*
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