Are you incapable of hiring a competent physician? I’d need the fingers on both of my hands, the toes on both of my feet, and about seven octopi in order to count the number of times you guys have screwed things up. And I’m not even a difficult case, medically. Sure, I’ve had my (many) ER visits, but that doesn’t excuse the ridiculously ineffectual “family physician” visits I’ve had over the year (and the THREE EEGs it took to get a good pic of my brain activity).

Ugh.

So here are a few easy-to-implement suggestions for the doctors, eh?

1. Spend more than five minutes with your patient. Yearly physicals tend to involve more than “how are you feeling? Good? Okay, see you next year.”

2. Along the same line, don’t be in such a rush that you get angry with a patient if they don’t change into the little examination gown thingy fast enough (and by “fast enough” you mean in under 30 seconds flat).

3. Raising your eyebrows incredulously when a patient says they’re not sexually active? Inappropriate.

4. Order a blood work to be done when you need it to be done. Don’t waste your patient’s time by going over LAST YEAR’S BLOOD WORK RESULTS. They don’t need to know that their health was perfect 12 months ago.

5. Finally, when a patient says a procedure hurts, STOP SAID PROCEDURE.

Fucking Gritman.