FINALLY
I’ve decided. Have a look at where I’ll be living in a few months.
I’mma go throw up from anxiety now.
List Time!
So I’m trying to make this Calgary vs. Ottawa decision as objectively as possible, but I’m still having a lot of trouble with it. You might be thinking, “hey, you idiot, it’s not that hard of a decision.”
Well, it is for me, okay?
So let me look at the pros and cons for both choices and see if that helps me decide.
Calgary PROs:
- University of Calgary is a research university and it’s ranked fairly high in Canada.
- I’m already in love with the city, even after just watching some walking tours on YouTube.
- I’d be about the same distance away from Moscow as I was in Vancouver, which was a pretty ideal distance.
- The move up there won’t be too expensive and will only take a day (or two).
- Mayor Nenshi!
Calgary CONs:
- Monthly rent is approximately the same as in Vancouver (i.e., expensive).
- Since my original supervisor is leaving, I’m basically going to get stuck with someone who didn’t originally want me. That’s really stressful to me, especially given my last supervisor/student relationship and how horrible that whole thing was.
- I’m scared of the city flooding as badly as it did last summer.
Ottawa PROs:
- My supervisor who’s moving there seems like a really nice and genuine person and really wants me to work with him.
- I’d get more money there, especially if I decided to be a TA.
- Lower cost of living than Calgary.
- It’s the capital of Canada! How cool?
- Carleton University (where my supervisor’s headed) has a math department that does a lot of things jointly with the University of Ottawa, which means a more diverse offering of classes.
Ottawa CONs:
- I’d have to move all the freaking way across the continent again. Expensive and time-consuming and stressful.
- I’m not “feeling” the city of Ottawa the same way as Calgary.
- Carleton isn’t a research university. It’s actually the level below a true university, which is a bit concerning to me (it’s on the same level as Simon-Fraser University, which is a “comprehensive university” and not a research university).
- I already have my study permit for Calgary; I’d have to get that changed if I go to a different school. PLUS I’d have to get all sorts of new paperwork showing that Carleton “accepted” me.
- If I end up going for a PhD, one of the requirements that must be fulfilled is that I’d have to be fluent in another language enough so that I could read and comprehend a mathematical paper in said other language. While that’s a good skill to have, obviously, I am about as unilingual as a person can get and I don’t know if I even have the capacity to learn another language. Y’know, ‘cause I’m an idiot.
- I’m scared of Quebec.
THAT DIDN’T HELP AT ALL.
I think Scooby Doo is in my pants
So.
Due to multiple reasons (some health-related, some family-related, some money-related), I have been without a solid plan for my near/intermediate future for approximately 7 months now. Being without said plan has been slowly destroying my will to live.
So I’m sick of it.
But now I’m conflicted over what to do. There aren’t any stats jobs in Tucson or in the surrounding area. In fact, around the country there are very few entry-level stats jobs. Even for freaking PhD students…everyone’s looking for statisticians with like 10+ years of experience (not exaggerating).
So here’s how I see it: I’m the type of person who either needs to be in a field where I can obsess over doing stuff I love (read: statistics), or I need to be acquiring more knowledge in some sort of full-time or at least mostly-full-time type of environment.
So if a job isn’t happening at the moment, what’s left?
SCHOOL!
I guess I was never really conflicted about that. I pretty much figured I’d return to school someday because that’s just the type of person I am. So what’s the conflict?
Do I…
A) Stay down here and go to school at my place of employment, Pima Community College (it’s too late to register for the University of Arizona, I don’t have THAT much money, and I’m still technically an out-of-state resident so $$$$$$$$!),
or…
B) Go back to the black hole that is Moscow and play out my dream schedule for fall (I’m already enrolled and set for tuition payments).
Pros for Option A
- Not having to move again
- Still in the same city as my mom, which is a big deal to both of us
- Cheap as hell; totally tuition-free if I keep working there
- SCHOOL!
Cons for Option A
- Tucson is…blah.
- PCC doesn’t have a lot of *advanced* classes, which is where I am in a lot of stuff pertaining to my education (except calc…I’d like to review basic calc until it makes perfect sense in my head).
- If I were to transfer to UA, again, $$$$$$$$$!
- I’d probably have to keep my current job. It’s an okay job, but it’s not ideal.
Pros for Option B
- Dream schedule! Seriously. It’s awesome.
- My dad’s like “rent-free living in the basement if you take care of the house while I’m gone” (which would be for approximately 33% of the year, maybe a little more now). I also think he’s lonely.
- MY KITTY CAT IS THERE OMFG I MISS HER
- It’s the U of I, meaning that I know that damn school inside and out and can get exactly what I want out of it
Cons for Option B
- Moscow is…Moscow.
- I’d have to live with my dad. I shouldn’t put this as a con because he’s offering free rent (shut up, selfish brain, shut up!), but if you’ve ever lived with my dad, you’d totally understand this point.
- Moving. AGAIN.
- Being away from my mom. We’re close, shut up.
So yeah. I have no idea what I’ll do. Plus, if I go back, I’ll have to face all the “I thought you were in grad school?” questions, to which I’ll have to answer “I was, and I’m done, but…” And we all know how judgmental people are.
BLAHSEKLDHFSDLFSWEERLWchicken.
Mediocrity, Thy Name is Claudia
So YET AGAIN I’m having a dilemma about school. I really, really don’t have any idea what I do. If I stay, I’ll be miserable for approximately five years, but if I leave, I’ll regret quitting for the rest of my life. I can’t figure out which one would be worse as of right now.
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I think one of my biggest roadblocks in all of this has been my fear of what others will think. “She’s too stupid to get through grad school.” “All the other schools were right in rejecting her.” “She’s a quitter.” I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s something I worry about, especially if I want to get a job at the Census and/or get a Philosophy MA or PhD.
Anyway.
It got to the point tonight where the decision was so 50/50 that I realized the only way I was going to solve my dilemma was to utilize the old coin flip. I relied on an online coin flipper (because manual coin-flipping is biased slightly in several different ways—look it up, it’s interesting), with heads being “leave” and tails being “stay.”
This exercise proved three things to me. First, when the coin came up “tails” and I went on flipping it until it came up heads (three times, by the way), it proved that I really did have a preference.
Second, it proved that what I was actually looking for was an excuse—an excuse to get off this track I had so meticulously set for myself—and that I was so desperate for this excuse that I would count an online coin-flipper’s outcome as my ticket to freedom.
Third, it proved that I’m unlikely to do anything anytime soon about it, because that’s just the way I am. I like to finish what I start. If I don’t, I hate myself even more.
So here we sit.
And here I am.
I don’t even know what else to say.
Sorry, it’s been a bad day.
Today’s song: Glitter in the Air by P!nk
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