Mediocrity, Thy Name is Claudia
So YET AGAIN I’m having a dilemma about school. I really, really don’t have any idea what I do. If I stay, I’ll be miserable for approximately five years, but if I leave, I’ll regret quitting for the rest of my life. I can’t figure out which one would be worse as of right now.
Why am I having such a hard time with this? I think one of my biggest roadblocks in all of this has been my fear of what others will think. “She’s too stupid to get through grad school.” “All the other schools were right in rejecting her.” “She’s a quitter.” I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s something I worry about, especially if I want to get a job at the Census and/or get a Philosophy MA or PhD.
Anyway.
It got to the point tonight where the decision was so 50/50 that I realized the only way I was going to solve my dilemma was to utilize the old coin flip. I relied on an online coin flipper (because manual coin-flipping is biased slightly in several different ways—look it up, it’s interesting), with heads being “leave” and tails being “stay.”
This exercise proved three things to me. First, when the coin came up “tails” and I went on flipping it until it came up heads (three times, by the way), it proved that I really did have a preference.
Second, it proved that what I was actually looking for was an excuse—an excuse to get off this track I had so meticulously set for myself—and that I was so desperate for this excuse that I would count an online coin-flipper’s outcome as my ticket to freedom.
Third, it proved that I’m unlikely to do anything anytime soon about it, because that’s just the way I am. I like to finish what I start. If I don’t, I hate myself even more.
So here we sit.
And here I am.
I don’t even know what else to say.
Sorry, it’s been a bad day.
Today’s song: Glitter in the Air by P!nk
I’m getting rather tired of your language, Mr. Asterisk.
So it occurred to me today that I never posted what I would pick on those little choice thingies I gave you guys on the fourth. So here are my answers (plus short justifications. I say “short” because you all know me, I could go on for reams).
Choice set 1
Option A: You are shown your future at a certain point in time (say, at age 40), and you have no way of changing it no matter what choices you make.
Option B: You are shown the same point in your future and you are given no hints as you how you got there.
After much deliberation, I choose option A on this one. I personally think that it would be worse to see a point in your future and have no hints as to how you got there then to see the same point and no that, no matter what you do, you will get to that point. Heck, if it’s a good point, then if you choose option A, you can do whatever you want in life until that point in time and still get to that point. If the point in time is good and you choose option B, you will be deliberating with yourself over every single choice you make in life, wondering which option will get you to that point. Wouldn’t that suck?
Choice set 2
Option A: You will never be able to trust anyone again.
Option B: You will never be able to be trusted again.
Option A, easily. I don’t really need much of an explanation for this, I think. I know I’m trustworthy. I don’t believe much that other people are. I can trust myself, and therefore I would rather have other people be able to trust me as well.
Choice set 3
Option A: Be completely left in the dark when it comes to others’ opinions about you (they can’t tell you, etc.)
Option B: Know everything (both good and bad) everyone’s ever said about you behind your back.
Option B. I know for a fact that there have been a lot of bad things said about me behind my back, but I would much rather know everything (including the good and the bad) that people vocalize about me than not get any feedback at all. Where’s the fun in that? If you’re going to hate me, freaking tell me.
Choice set 4
Option A: Never have the capacity to love.
Option B: Never be able to be loved.
I choose option B. I would much rather love without it being reciprocated than to have someone chasing me around saying they love me with me all the while unable to feel the love back. With option B you can fantasize all you want, anyway.
There ya go!
Hypothetical questions of loooooooooooooove!
“A plethora of options! But you still have to choose.”
“Does that make them true options, then?”
“Of course it does!”
“But you’re given a set number of things from which you are to make your selection. Aren’t true options boundless and without constraint?”
“Perhaps. But then, don’t people have boundless options even when there is a constraint? I could give a person the options of “yes” and “no” and they can choose to go on a cruise instead. It doesn’t mean it will happen, it doesn’t mean they chose, but they still were able to exercise their freedom.”
“Shouldn’t we save this for a later discussion?”
“How do you mean?”
“I mean I think you should GET TO THE POINT OF THE BLOG!”
Here is a series of hypothetical questions for you all. I’ve provided sets of answers (choices, rather, since none of them answer anything, assuming there was something to answer in the first place, other than the direct question…agh, shut UP!) for you all to choose from. Have fun. And indulge me in your answers, if you like. Curiosity. Some, at least for me, are easier to answer than others. But that probably means I haven’t looked at them from all angles yet.
Option A: You are shown your future at a certain point in time (say, at age 40), and you have no way of changing it no matter what choices you make.
Option B: You are shown the same point in your future and you are given no hints as you how you got there.
Option A: You will never be able to trust anyone again.
Option B: You will never be able to be trusted again.
Option A: Be completely left in the dark when it comes to others’ opinions about you (they can’t tell you, etc.)
Option B: Know everything (both good and bad) everyone’s ever said about you behind your back.
Option A: Never have the capacity to love.
Option B: Never be able to be loved.
Bah. I had about three more, but I can’t remember them. I shall post them when they come back into my head. But with sufficient thought, I think these shall suffice for a while.
Wee.
Eigenblogger 