I haven’t had much of an appetite for the past week or so, but I just inhaled like an entire box of cereal tonight because doing so felt like the best thing in the world.
Now I feel like garbage ‘cause I ate an entire box of cereal.
Dafuq, body. Dafuq.
Theory: Cinnamon Toast Crunch is Cap’n Crunch’s estranged son who, rebelling aginst his father’s wishes that he join the Navy, took up a life of stripping. His real name’s like Gary or something and “Cinnamon Toast” is just his stage name.
I’d like to know how that went down when Cap’n Crunch found out.
Like one day The Cap’n comes home from a long day of Crunchatizing and finds li’l Gary taking off all his cinnamon in a bowl of milk to the tune of “You Sexy Thing.”
“Dad! I uh…what are you doing home so early?”
“Son, what are you doing?”
“Get out of the milk, son.”
“Get out of the milk.”
In my 100 Things list, I mention my constant singing of the Frosted Flakes “Hey Tony!” song when I was younger. Here is one such instance.
How these theatrics didn’t get me a paid endorsement job with Kellogg’s is beyond me. There’s a whole 60-minute tape of me doing crap like this.
Also, I still have that shirt. It was the “uniform” I got in T-ball when I played it in first grade.
Cereal mascots have always fascinated me. Many of them are poor, deprived souls who just want to try the product they endorse (but are prevented by kids, circumstance, sugary villains, etc.). Others most certainly have mental issues brought on by the cereal they consume (a certain bird who really enjoys cocoa comes to mind).
And then there’s Cap’n Crunch.
First off, his full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, which is about as awesome as a name can get for a guy with no neck, a freakish cereal fetish, and who has been stuck at the rank of “Cap’n” for god knows how long.
Don’t get me started on the commercials. Says Wikipedia, “In modern TV ads, Cap’n Crunch is often seen riding his ship through a wall as the whistle blares.”
Sooo…Kool-Aid Man of the sea?
And: “He often comes in the middle of a predicament and uses his cereal to solve the problem at hand by ‘Crunch-a-tizing’ it.”
What I wouldn’t give to have that power.
Lab manager: Oh crap, SPSS is being a bitch (again) and we can’t get these analyses done!
Lab member: Our assignment is due in three hours! What are we to do?!
Me: *breaks down Kenny wall in a ship*
Lab manager: What the hell…?
Me: Join me for some high-sea, high-fructose fun!
Lab member: How would that possibly solve our problem?
Me: Cap’n’s orders!
*dumps cereal everywhere*
Lab manager: I doubt you’re a licensed mariner.
Lab member: Where did you get all this cereal?
Me: Set sail for dairy goodness!
*unleashes gallons of milk*
Lab manager: You destroyed my laptop!
Me: OOPS! All Berries!
Yeah. I think he’s cool.
Today’s song: The Scientist by Coldplay