Lists like this are dumb. Hell, I’m guilty of like 80% of these. Let’s rant.
1. Dressing for the weather.
When it’s -14 outside, I wear what’s practically a windbreaker and those tiny little thin gloves. Everyone else I see, including the dudes (SHOCKING!) are wearing appropriate clothing. So yeah.
2. Taking up the appropriate amount of space.
At least the author didn’t use the word “manspreading.” I like how manspreading gets all this hype about it, but nothing is said about the women who go on public transit with 3+ shopping/grocery bags and then just dump said bags into the seat next to them. How is that any better than a dude splaying his legs? I do the leg splay thing too, anyway, if I’m on the bus after a long walk. Only if it’s not crowded, though.
3.Taking care of themselves when they’re sick.
Nobody is good at taking care of themselves when they’re sick. Nobody. That’s why it sucks so hard. Story time: back in 2014 I got sick with what I’m assuming was some sort of Black Plague variant, ‘cause it completely knocked me for a loop (for those of you who don’t know: I very, very rarely get sick, but when I do, I feel like complete death). This was before I knew Nate, so I was basically on my own in my little basement apartment, trying not to die. I NEEDED medicine ‘cause my fever was approaching 104 and I was having trouble breathing because of the blood that was filling my lungs (exaggerating…or AM I?!), but the closest anything that sold anything of the sort was the Safeway a mile away. Let me tell you, man, I could BARELY make it to that Safeway. I thought my insides were going to catch fire, they hurt so bad. I almost had to ask some random person in Safeway if they would please drive me home, ‘cause I didn’t think I would make it the mile back. I did, I took meds, and was eventually fine, but seriously. Taking care of yourself when you’re sick is awful and no one is good at it.
4. Packing for trips.
Every guy I’ve ever known has been better than me at packing for trips. I take like 7 hours to get what I need ready and organized and packed. My guy friends grab their crap, chuck it into suitcases/backpacks, and are ready to go in like half an hour. And they never seem to forget anything, either.
5. Speaking at a volume that suits their current space.
You mean kids, not adult guys, right? Kids never speak at the appropriate volume. Adult guys do. F-.
6. Doing laundry in a way that doesn’t ruin at least one clothing item.
HAHA I GET IT IT’S A “WOMAN’S CHORE” SO GUYS SUCK AT IT AM I RIGHT?? Even if this were true for a dude (or a lady), I would suspect the growing pile of ruined clothes would prompt him (or her) to figure out how to freaking do laundry correctly.
7. Deciding when it’s time to get a haircut.
*old man voice* “I haven’t gotten a haircut since Truman was president and I’ll be dead and buried before these young whipper-snappers force me into a barber’s chair!”
8. Drying off after a shower.
THOG BIG MAMMOTH MAN! THOG CANNOT REACH BACK WITH TOWEL! THOG DO MANLY NAKED SPRINT THROUGH TOWN TO DRY OFF INSTEAD!
9. Communicating their feelings effectively.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
10. Sleeping in a position that doesn’t cause snoring.
Who can freaking control how they sleep once they’re asleep? I certainly can’t. I mean, I can fall asleep curled up on my side, say, but when I wake up I’m sprawled out on my back taking up the whole bed.
11. Waiting for their food to cool before they eat it.
THOG’S MOUTH ON FIRE, BUT THOG SO BAD AT COMMUNICATING HIS FEELINGS, HE CANNOT EXPRESS HIS DISTRESS AND PAIN!
12. Leaving the toilet seat up.
13. Wearing matching socks.
Is this a serious issue for…anyone? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone wearing non-matching socks, unless it was deliberate. And even if a person does wear mismatched socks, who freaking cares?
14. Wearing properly fitting pants.
OH GOD, NOT IMPROPERLY FITTING PANTS!! Have you seen the ill-fitting pants that women wear? Have you? Have you seen MY pants? Not a single freaking one of them fits me “properly.” I think dudes are better at finding decent-fitting pants than the ladies are, honestly.
15. Knowing what looks good on their body type.
Wasn’t this covered in #14?
16. Being patient with someone who’s getting ready.
My dad is not patient with others getting ready. But does that generalize to all dudes? Nope! Not unless you do the same with one of my female friends, who can’t stand waiting for others.
I hate this word and I hate your face.
18. Zoning out when anything sports related is happening in the vicinity.
Goddamn home-wrecking sportsball, man. Does the zoning out include them zoning out on the sports as well? Like, if they suddenly flip to a football game on TV, do they just go into a fugue? That would actually be kind of hilarious. “THE PACKERS GAME IS ON THE RADIO; TURN IT OFF OR ELSE GARY’S GONNA DRIVE US INTO THE GRAND CANYON!”
19. Closing the shower curtain after a shower.
What? This is a thing that needs to be done? Shoot, I don’t do this either.
20. Empathizing about periods/childbirth.
I think they do the best they can, considering most guys never experience these things. It’s hard to empathize with something you can’t experience. When my mom is gagging from the smell of a skunk, for example, I can’t really empathize with that. I have no idea what that’s like, and I never will. So yeah.
21. Knowing when to stop talking.
Apparently the author of this article has the same problem!