You know you’ve always wanted this.
If you use public transport: What’s your biggest pet peeve while out and about?
The complimentary pooper-scoopers on the seats.
Do you know anyone who has a naturally loud voice? It sounds like are shouting but they really aren’t?
I live next to a dolphin who forgot how to echolocate and now just sits in the corner screeching.
Is there anything you are scared/awkward about talking about in life?
Donuts. And the things that go in them.
When was the last time you had to cancel plans because you were sick?
Once, a giant box of Chex cereal fell out of the sky and landed on me. I broke both arms and a toe and was covered in cereal for five days. Had to cancel a water polo tournament with Bill Clinton and Richard Simmons.
What is the weirdest compliment you have ever been given?
“You have beautiful pennies.”
Is there a certain way you have to sleep? For example, with a window open or the fan on?
I have to sleep in a hibernation vat filled with packing peanuts and protractors.
Would you still be interested in buying/renting a house if you found out it was supposed to be haunted?
I lived in a haunted U-Haul truck for seven months. There were box and packing tape ghosts everywhere.
What was the last thing you created that you were proud of?
If you had a button that you could carry with you at all times and press at any time, but it only did one thing, what would your button do?
Instantly peel every potato within a 10-mile radius.
Are you good at puzzles or riddles?
I have to solve a crossword puzzle to get into my book of crossword puzzles.
What’s stronger – your upper or lower body?
Have you ever been in the newspaper? What for?
Evading the cops after planting fully-grown mattresses in the church garden.
What age do you often get mistaken for?
The Bronze Age.
If you could change your surname to anything, what would you change it to?
“Surname.” Or “Suriname” to really confuse people.
Would you say that the area you live in is particularly picturesque?
I live in a turnip. It’s gorgeous.
If you have an Apple product, do you always download the software/app updates?
I downloaded the GrannySmith v3 update and now my iPod scolds me in an old lady voice.
Do you take any vitamin supplements?
I take vitamin Z.