Once you let me leave the house.

In the meantime…

STATS JOKES STATS JOKES STATS JOKES!
Because it’s that kind of a day.

• One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean’s office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. “What are you doing?” they demanded. “Well, to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size” the statistician replies.
• What’s the question the Cauchy distribution hates the most?
  “Got a moment?”
• Did you hear about the statistician who was looking all over for the sum of eigenvalues from a variance-covariance matrix but couldn’t find a trace?
• Did you hear about the nonparametrician who couldn’t get his driving license? He couldn’t pass the sign test.
• A middle-aged man suddenly contracted the dreaded disease kurtosis. not only was this disease severely debilitating, but he had the most virulent strain called leptokurtosis. A close friend told him his only hope was to see a statistical physician who specialized in this type of disease. The man was very fortunate to locate a specialist but he had to travel 800 miles for an appointment.
  After a thorough physical exam, the statistical physician exclaimed, “Sir, you are indeed a lucky person in that the FDA has just approved a new drug called Mesokurtimide for your illness. This drug will bulk you in the middle, smooth out your stubby tail, and restore your longer range of functioning. In other words, you will feel ‘NORMAL’ again!”
• What did one regression coefficient say to the other regression coefficient?
  “I’m partial to you!”
• Why are the mean, median, and mode like a valuable piece of real estate?
  LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION!

Yay, I feel better now.