Tonight’s Dream Sponsored by Every Ad I’ve Ever Seen

Who the hell dreams about Kmart?


Picture it: it’s a few decades into the future and advertising is even more in control of our lives than it is now. You can’t buy anything without it being endorsed by some megacorporation—this includes water, keyboards, backpacks, and smaller corporations.

In the dream I’m part of this small little rebel group. We’re a bunch of young hooligans who are fighting the megacorporations. It’s later revealed that we’re actually a secret division of a much larger movement that’s actively fighting the government (sponsored by Kmart and Microsoft), trying to restore some semblance of life without “Big Advertisement.”

Actually, there’s like a full-scale civil war going on between the government/companies and this big-and-getting-bigger rebel group. There are these huge “war zones” all over the western U.S. where rebel groups have staked out “ad-free” zones and are fighting the government from within using stuff that isn’t branded (which basically leaves them with all this antiquated technology left over from before Big Advertisement took over).

My little group and I are staked out in this abandoned Circle K near the edge of the Grand Canyon. It’s dusty as hell and all the windows are blown out from the passing big company vehicles coming by and blasting missiles into abandon buildings to make sure no one is camping out there (no logical reason why we’ve been able to survive this, but whatev).

There are about ten of us and we look like we’ve just walked out of Fallout ‘cause we’re basically Wastelanders. We’ve refused to wear branded stuff so we’re dressed in these old rags and towels and toilet paper and (for whatever reason) we’ve pilfered a toolbox and are wearing its contents as jewelry (I’ve got a hammer necklace). We eat off-brand Tic-Tacs and non-government sponsored broccoli powder (which is an actual thing) to survive. We don’t drink water ‘cause Kmart owns all the pure water in the U.S., so we’ve made due drinking the soda out of the Circle K’s still-working soda machine (which is for some reason NOT government-sponsored, but whatev again).

And I guess we’ve made these elaborate plans to stage a coup and end the Big Advertisement rule once and for all. There’s this military Subway R.V. that drives by our stakeout every other afternoon. Like every other vehicle in this futuristic commercial world, it is equipped with a bunch of security cameras that record everything in a 360-degree view of the R.V. and reports the video back to the government (it also sells sandwiches, but we’re less concerned about that than we are about its spying capabilities). We’ve got these plans drawn all over the wall of the Circle K detailing our mission to destroy the Subway vehicle by launching it into the Grand Canyon.

SO. Fast-forward a bit.

It’s the day of the big attack and we’re all excited. We take a bunch of bats and crowbars and destroy the Circle K’s soda machine in a pre-coup ritual to bring good luck to the proletarian rebellion. We stand in a circle around a broken soda machine and say the Lord’s Prayer (which is like word for word; WTF, brain), except at the part when we all say “on earth as it is in heaven” I go, “except now it’s ‘on earth as it is in 7-11!’” but nobody gets it and I feel super dumb.

We gather like seven Scud missiles that were lying around inside the building—I have no idea where we got them, but they’ve got the McDonald’s logo all over them—and set them up in the windows so that when the Subway R.V. comes along, we’ll be able to fire.

Hunching beneath the windows, we wait for the R.V., which finally comes rumbling up the road. All of a sudden we all have these little Walkie-Talkies and are talking military-speak to one another, getting ready to fire. I look out the window and wait for the R.V. to pass our pre-designated mark and I shout into the Walkie-Talkie, “Launch Operation Footlong*!”

And so we blast this missile at the Subway R.V. and it goes catapulting into the Grand Canyon. We had rigged it so that we could watch what the Subway cameras was recording, and we were all laughing like devils as the monitors that miraculously appeared in our Circle K showed the R.V. going over the side of the Grand Canyon.

Some dude in our group shouts “FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD!” and everybody laughs. Except me, ‘cause I’m thinking, “you jerks, you laugh at his stupid joke but you won’t even acknowledge my awesome 7-11 pun.”

And then I woke up.


*I swear to god. I can’t make this stuff up.

2 responses

  1. Ha ha that’s an awesome dream.


  2. […] Big Advertising vs. the Unbranded Man meet in an epic Grand Canyon […]


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