Namin’ Babies

I will never have kids. The world needs Claudia spawn about as much as it needs a George W. Bush cloning machine running 24/7 all year ‘round*. But because I’m me, I’ve often thought about what I would name said spawn should he/she/they ever exist.

I usually limit my naming fantasies to male names, because I think I’d produce a male if I were to ever, by some miracle of divine intervention, produce a child.

So because I rediscovered the Name Voyager and all its pretty slopes and lines, I shall present you with my 10 favorite baby (boy) names.

10.  Amory
I dig this name probably because it is the name of the main character in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel, This Side of Paradise. I love Fitzgerald. He rocks. Anyway. It’s got a nice “old fashioned” feel to it, and according to the Baby Name Voyager, it hasn’t been one of the top 1,000 names in the US anytime between 1880 and now.

9. Eddy
I don’t really know why I like this name. I know my mom likes it, too. Possibly I picked it up from her? Haha, or maybe ‘cause I used to watch a

LOT of Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy when I was younger. I freaking love that show.

8. Charles
Another cool old-fashioned name. It has to be Charles, though. I’m not a big fan of Charlie or Chuck.

7. Simon
Unfortunately, if you say the name Simon to people, probably 70% or so of them will immediately think of either Simon Cowell or Simon the chipmunk. Or that game “Simon Says.” Nevertheless, I really like this name. It’s smooth and simple.

6. Meriwether
This is why I can’t have kids. Because society is dumb, I think any young man labeled Meriwether would probably get teased to death because of it. Nevermind Meriwether Lewis of freaking LEWIS AND CLARK was a badass.

5. Eugene
An old name you don’t hear much anymore. I like names with lots of vowels in them.

4. Adam
Such a nice, simple name. I also have this weird thing for Biblical names. Though if I were to have a little dude and keep my last name, I couldn’t name him Adam ‘cause then his name would be all smooshed together—“Adammahler”—and that would be obnoxious.

3. Jules
Tribute to Jules Verne, the greatest science fiction writer ever! I like French names/French versions of other names. I would read this child 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea for their bedtime story. Or maybe Around the World in Eighty Days, it’s a bit lighter.

2. Nick
Yes, Nick, I like your name. Nicholas reminds me of Santa Clause, so that’s out, but Nick has always been a pretty snazzy name in my opinion. Also this:

1. Scott
Another “tribute” name, this one in honor of Sir Robert Falcon Scott, an Englishman who led several expeditions to Antarctica back when it was still Terra Incognita to most and who, in a race with Roald Amundsen to be the first to reach the Pole, died on the ice. Haha, that sounds so depressing, eh? You all know how I love Antarctica, though. And you really don’t ever hear the name Scott anymore, do you?

The end!

*Tell me that’s not the most terrifying concept ever.

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