I’ll Get You, My Pretty, and Your Little Blog, Too!
Hello ladies and gents. There is something special about today’s blog.
Today is my 2,000th blog!
YAY!
This means it’s been 2,000 days since May 1st, 2006. That simultaneously sounds so long and yet so short.
ANYWAY!
In modest celebration (“modest” meaning “not extravagant;” all my crap’s packed up and I’m sitting in a hotel waiting to go home tomorrow and thus haven’t really had time to make a huge celebration blog), I’m going to list my top 20 blog titles and top 20 blogs. Because that’s kind of what I do.
Titles first!
Top 20 Titles (yes, most of these are stupid puns. Deal.)
- Are the bulbs of mercury at the bottom of thermometers collectively known as H.G. Wells?
- I just realized I’m illiterate and now I cacng apbtrtht kd thactgs
- Do physical comedians suffer from post-dramatic jest disorder?
- Circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works because circular reasoning works…
- Do philosophy departments have Causal Fridays?
- My new position at the PepsiCo factory isn’t the greatest job in the world, but I’m making Dew
- Waiter! There’s a tachyon in my—oh wait, there it goes, never mind.
- Is a theorem about pickles called a dill lemma?
- I am 95% confident that the population parameter ‘love’ falls between you and me
- If you want to eat an apple pie, you must first consume the universe
- Yo blog title, I’mma let you finish, but this entry holds one of the best blogs of all time
- I used to teach a failing fly-tying class until I realized my efforts were all for knot.
- I used to work at a bridal shop specializing in headdresses. My work there was to know a veil.
- Hammer Time is the fifth dimension
- How much fit would an index fit if the index indexed fit?
- Is Superman’s costume considered his strong suit?
- Silly Rabbit…Trix are for Magicians
- This just in: geophagists across the globe are biting the dust!
- Some Days I Miss My Sanity. Other Days I’m Just a Toaster.
- Waiter! There’s an infinite loop in my Waiter! There’s an infinite loop in my Waiter!…
Top 20 Blogs
- The Second Continental Chatroom – This is probably the only halfway funny thing I’ve ever written. Fueled by Chips Ahoy, baby. Fueled by Chips Ahoy.
- Claudia the Angry Blogger Presents: Yet Another Rant against Pretty Much Everything – This blog started as like three paragraphs and ballooned to a full-on “I hate change, especially on the internet” rant. It makes me happy.
- U Can’t Prove This – I’m really not sure how I managed to rewrite U Can’t Touch This while under the incredible stress of a 25-credit finals week, but here it is.
- HOT DAMN, Tukey Sandwiches! – I think the “pun to normal content” ratio is at its most ridiculous in this blog.
- Multicollinearity: The Silent Killer – If you don’t talk to your kid about near linear dependence, who will?
- A STATELY CHALLENGE – Because my first draft of the US without reference to a map is hilarious.
- My new position at the PepsiCo factory isn’t the greatest job in the world, but I’m making Dew – Philosophy of science stuff.
- Damn this infernal 95 character limit! I have witty things to say in my titles! This is crap! – Bashing Microsoft ’07: a happy pastime of mine.
- Pi vs. e – Alternate title: “R has two subsequent heart attacks.”
- Blameworthiness and the Anonymous Judge: An Analysis of FML Categories – My hypothesis was supported! WOO! I’d also like to expand this study at some point.
- If a blog falls in the forest… – Because of the Pokemon card.
- Gordon Freeman: A Case Study – Because of Gordon Freeman.
- Apple stores are goddamn scary – In terms of frightening corporate power, Apple is still < Google, but both should be watched carefully.
- An analysis of statewise uniform population density (according to Craigslist) – More stats fun.
- I’ve been waiting years for this – I remember being SO HAPPY when I opened the M&Ms package.
- Piece of Pi – More song parody! More math!
- Are the bulbs of mercury at the bottom of thermometers collectively known as H.G. Wells? – I really don’t know why I like this blog, I just do. Hippos.
- In This Blog: My Data Look like a Napkin Swan – Because of the uncanny and hilarious resemblance.
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is like a bad drug trip – It is! Seriously!
- Waiter! There’s a hippo in my Taco Grande! – Ye olde rant against pants. One of my early blogs.
Yay for 2,000 blogs. Here’s to 2,000 more, eh?
30-Day Meme – Day 21: A recipe.
YAY, a recipe! Cooking = win. Here’s one from the internet and one of my own.
1. Internet recipe
This makes a phenomenal breakfast/anytime bread. Super easy to make and crumbly as hell, this bread has a really good texture to it that adds to the sweet (but not overly so) taste. The only problem is that it goes moldy quite quickly if you try to stretch its life for more than five or six days.
2. Claudia recipe
You know I have to plug my Tukey sandwiches again (even though I just did), made and named in honor of the brilliant John Tukey. Because nothing says “you’re an awesome statistician” like a punny sandwich.
Please fasten your seatbelts and secure your belongings as we descend into YEAR NUMBER FIVE
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the fifth year of Claudia’s blogs. I’ve been looking forward to this day since about July because having nearly 1,500 blogs allows for copious amounts of stats insanity, most of which I’m not going to post here (messing around with regression? DON’T MIND IF I DO).
Anyway.
PART I. NO ONE CAN RESIST THE EXCITEMENT OF TREND ANALYSES!
As you know, I dig graphs. Hence, here are a few graphs. The light red straight line on each one indicates the mean value. Doing this was massively enjoyable.
Ordered from lowest to highest. This one surprised me. I was expecting to see some sort of trend—like maybe lower word counts in general for the summer months or something. But no. Haha, it’s interesting that the first months of living in the house with the boys have such low word counts. I guess I was too busy playing Rock Band and killing mice.
Average word count overall: 7,348
I think the sheer number of surveys I do dragged this down for most months, but who knows.
Ordered:
Average words per sentence overall: 9.52
GFI is the Gunning Fox Index, which tells you the number of years of formal education a person requires in order to be able to understand the text in one read. For comparison’s sake: the GFI of one of my phil papers was 16.67 (average words per sentence was about 22), so obviously I put “school writing” and “blog writing” in two very different categories. As it should be.
Ordered:
Average GFI overall: 7.26
PART II. WORDLE!
PART III. THE TITLES, THE TITLES!
You know I couldn’t resist.
The “Waiter!” ones
- Waiter! There’s a hippo in my Taco Grande!
- Waiter! They’re a Pythagorean Theorem in my Pi!
- Waiter! There’s a Creationist in my Primordial Soup!
- Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!
- Waiter! There’s an Intergalactic Star Cruiser in my Bran Muffin!
- Waiter! There’s a Hard Rock in my Cafe!
- Waiter! There’s a Leper in my Ant Colony!
- Waiter! There’s some fuzzy logic in my dryer’s lint collector!
- Waiter! Why the hell do you always bring me crappy puns?
- Waiter! There’s a tree falling in my forest and I can’t tell if it’s making a sound!
- Waiter! There’s some Plato in my Play-Doh!
- Waiter! There’s an abominable snowman in my snow cone!
- Waiter! There’s a Pisces in my Tropic of Capricorn!
- Waiter! There’s a Matt Farnsworth in my Blog!
- Waiter! There’re four and twenty blackbirds in my pie chart! (Confused? Understandable.)
- Waiter! There’s kurtosis in my bimodal-distributed data!
- Waiter! …Waiter? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGLHALSKFDJSL!!!
- Waiter! There’s a circular argument in my logic!
- Waiter! There’s an e in my pi (thus meaning he brought me pie! Sweet!)
- Waiter! There’s a Super Nova in my ANOVA! How in the world…?
- Waiter! There’s a god in my universe!
- Waiter! I JUST WANT SOUP, DAMMIT!
- Waiter! There’s an Ego in my Eggo!
- Waiter! There’s a hippocampus in my zoo!
- Waiter! There’s heteroscedasticity in my samples!
- Waiter! There’s Godot in my post-modern humorous play!
- Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?
“If a tree falls in a forest…” and other sayings ones
- If a tree falls in the forest, can we still have sex later?
- If a tree doesn’t fall in the forest and no one is around, does the universe suddenly implode?
- If no one falls in the forest and a tree is around to see it, does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPEN?
- If a tree farts in the forest, do all the other trees fall over?
- If a sound falls in a tree and no one is around, does it make a forest?
- If Newton falls in the forest and Leibniz is watching, does he throw a party?
- What is the sound of one tree falling?
- If an apple tree falls in the forest, does it still keep the doctor away?
- If you lead a horse to water and nobody’s around to see it, does it take a drink?
- What is the sound of one horse being led to water?
- You can lead a tree to a forest, but you can’t make it fall.
Godot jokes
- Why doesn’t somebody buy Godot a watch?
- Silly Godot…Watches are for PUNCTUALITY
- If Godot falls in the forest and no one is around…
- If Godot falls in the forest and no one is around, do we have to wait even longer?
- You can lead Godot and Vladimir and Estragon, but you can’t make him show up
- Godot jokes will continue until he arrives.
- Godot Divides by Zero
- *insert Godot joke here*
“I shouldn’t title blogs when I’m hyper” ones (aka “The Caps Lock Series”)
- CLAUDIA’S INSANELY HYPER SURVEY OF INSANE HYPERNESS
- I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANSISCO OH SHI—*collapses*
- How long can these subject headings be, anyway? I mean can you just ramble on and oh here it is
- Oh-ho-ho! Somebody left the water running! I guess all we can do now is count the sunflowers
- It’s Tuesday and it’s late and I don’t have a life or plans or a soul or a taco or five tacos
- HELLO GOOD SIR JUST STOPPING IN TO TELL YOU HOW AWESOME LEIBNIZ IS PIP PIP TALLY HO
- Sometimes I have the answers. Other times I’m just a toaster.
- BLOG: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD
- IT’S NOT THAT HARD, GET IT RIGHT *frustrationfrustrationfrustration*
- I AM IRON MAN…DERRNERRNERRNERRNERRNERRNERR, IRON PANTS
- “DURRRR WHAT’S A STAPLE”
- Blah blah ah-ah-ahhh, blog-ah, blog-ah-ah! MySpace, ooh la-la! Want your bad blog post!
- If Captain Planet isn’t your hero, you’re a COMMIE
- CRAIGSLIST YOU ARE MY ONLY COMPANION MAKE HOT SWEET LOVE TO ME YOUR PIC GETS MINE – 22 F
10 more that don’t fit into any other category
- If you want to eat an apple pie, you must first consume the universe
- Jimmy crack corn one more time and I’m referring him to a specialist
- Yo blog title, I’mma let you finish, but this entry holds one of the best blogs of all time
- This just in: geophagists across the globe are biting the dust!
- I used to teach a failing fly-tying class until I realized my efforts were all for knot.
- I used to work at a bridal shop specializing in headdresses. My work there was to know a veil.
- Hello, I’m Erik Erikson and I have a silly name
- Indiana Jones and the 25 Credits of Doom
- Do philosophy departments have Causal Fridays?
- I think it was Socrates who said, “Hello! My name is Socrates!”
No, I don’t have a life, thank you for asking.
Blog on why Facebook can suck it will come tomorrow.
Hooray for 4 years of blogging!
Today’s song: My Skin by Natalie Merchant
Top 20 blogs
Why hello again! In keeping with my little set up, today I will give you all a list of my top 20 blogs.
Rules in place:
1. They must be funny.
2. They must be something I wrote, not just copied and pasted on a day I was lazy.
3. Yeah, that’s about it.
So here are my top 20 blogs:
1. The Second Continental Chatroom
I was on it when I came up with this. What the birth of the Declaration of Independence would have been like if the Founding Fathers would have had access to the internet and chatrooms.
2. If You’re Ever Going to Worry about My Mental State, I Think Now Would Be the Time to Start!
“Seuss on the Loose.” Best poem ever. Apologies to Dr. Seuss and to all insulted within the poem.
Warning: dirty
3. Looking for the Best Font for You? I Got the Answer Right Here for the Low, Low Price of $19.99!
I analyze the personalities of people based on the fonts they use (I think I analyze seven, but I’m too lazy to count). Note: some of the fonts won’t show up on your computer; use your imagination!
4. Waiter! There’s a Hippo in my Taco Grande!
Ah, the infamous rant against pants. I was bored that night. And insane.
5. Waiter! There’s a Quadriplegic in my Jazzercise Class!
A bunch of random letters addressed to a bunch of random people. Includes a personal letter to Jack London!
6. Do Me Like a Crossword Puzzle!
I discuss my hypothermia in a very strange manner. Hilarity ensues. Poor Watson.
7. What’s in a Name? A Whole Lotta Crap in 2006, Apparently…
I rant on the top ten boy’s names of 2006, despite the fact that all but the first one are perfectly fine names. Haha. Poor “Noah.”
8. E’raina Gets It!
Man, I don’t know what I was on when I wrote this bad boy. But it’s amusing, in a twisted, stupid, dorky sort of way.
9. I Like my Weather Hot and my Women Seasonably Warm
Witty observations about my day.
Warning: not very witty.
10. The Ranking of the Presidents
Why do I rank everything? Seriously. Like 50% of my blogs involve ranking, while another 50% involve lists. The other 10% involve other random crap. And yes, I know that’s more than 100%.
11. Claudia’s Review of the Smilies
The poor smilies get it. Some of them more than others.
12. Tax Deduction! Tax Deduction! Tax Deduction!
I list some quotes of mine. Many involve Maggie over MSN Messenger. Many of them involve no humor whatsoever.
13. Incompetent People Suck
Ah, my early blogging days. This was rather serious at the time (I was rather pissed off) but it’s pretty funny looking back on it now. Plus that little chat conversation is pretty funny, too.
14. Claudia’s 100th Blog Post!
I don’t know why this one amuses me, but it does. I think it’s because it’s rather random.
15. Claudia Can’t Think of a Good Blog: The Blog
Man, this one’s dirty and it’s not even (entirely) my fault. Pretty funny.
16. You Cannot Be What You are Not. It is the Simple Truth of Man.
Yeah, I’m stretching a bit here, but there is a bit of humor in this one. Plus, it’s informative. At least one of these blogs has to have a purpose!
17. Fun with the Periodic Table
Oh dear, I remember this one. I use the initials of my friends and compare them to the elements on the Periodic Table that they correspond to. Odd.
18. Jimmy Crack Corn One More Time and I’m Referring Him to a Specialist
I diss iTunes’ grammar. Then I realize I made a mistake. I done bad.
19. From “Aquarius” to “Virgo,” No One is Safe!
Mediocre in some, pretty amusing in others. The zodiac gets it.
20. Okay, Last Time, I Swear!
My third conversation with Santabot.com. What fun these were.
Top 10 Blogs
I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet…a few of the last ones were toss ups. But I figure I’ve already posted 190 and I’m too impatient to wait till I reach 200, so here it is: Claudia’s Top 10 Blogs!
1. September 17th: the blog about pants. It’s my finest work (besides The Desert). I am proud of this rant.
2. August 8th: my 100th blog. I was being a complete dork, and it kinda shows. I like it.
3. June 15th: the blog in which I make comparisons between people and whatever element on the periodic table their initials spell out. Genius.
4. May 8th: the infamous “Incompetent People Suck” blog. I was pretty pissed. One of my first blogs.
5. September 2nd: I review the smilies. Not a good day for some of them.
6. October 5th: some really dirty stuff that, for once, I didn’t entirely come up with myself. Still funny, though, in a twisted sorta way.
7. May 24th: I compare Presidents Cleveland and Grant to see who comes out on top. I win.
8. October 31: my conversations with SantaBot, part three. I love this one.
9. June 6th: in which I reminisce over all the crap we did during lunch in highschool. Not to be overlooked if you were there/molested/scarred for life.
10. October 9th: I question iTunes’ grammar. I just like this one.
YAY! Now go read them, before I whip you.
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