Okay, so I was going to type out this entire morning’s ordeal in excruciating detail, but then I realized that it would be super gross and super embarrassing to do so – even for me, the queen of super gross and super embarrassing blog posts (how many times have I talked about my feet/toenails now?).

So I’m just going to say this: the following gif represents me in the bushes beside the river walk at about 7 AM this morning, except replace the solid poop with something a little…less solid. And throw a pair of unsalvageable underwear somewhere in the picture, too.

And then imagine this occurring THREE MILES OUT from home.

It was a rough morning.