Holy crapspackle, today SUCKED.
I’d blog stuff, but I don’t wanna.
Going to go curl up and try not to get even more frustrated with everything.
Also: Why. Don’t. They. Post. The. Spring. Class. Schedule. I AM DYINGGGGG
I’m not posting my third draft story because it’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever written. So screw it.
I also likely failed my probability test this morning, ’cause THAT’S WHAT I DO, I FAIL.
I’m going to go home. Probably to fail at something there, too, who knows.
This is no longer Fall Semester 2013.
I’m renaming it Claudia Fails at Everything She Does 2013.
(The 2013 is still there because this has kind of turned into a yearly thing.)
I am stupid.
Don’t you hate those mornings where you wake up and you realize just what a pathetic failure you are?
OH WAIT THAT’S EVERY MORNING.
So I was sure this super low mood would disperse once the Semester from Hell was over.
I just filled the bathtub with water, sat in it, and cried for about two hours straight.
I hate those days where you spend most of your waking hours contending with the fact that you’re an IDIOT and will never amount to anything of importance no matter what you do.
I don’t feel much like talking today, sorry.
I don’t even care anymore.
It’s one of those days where I feel like curling up somewhere and dying.
That is all.
It’s all in my head, it’s all in my head, it’s all in my head.
Today’s song: Punkb*tch by 3OH!3
Today’s song: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
In other news, fuck off.
Just leave me the hell alone. All of you.
Ahh, power outages are fun.
So are incredibly overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
Fuck this, I’m tired of trying to be entertaining.
Read the title. Then go away.
And realize what a piece of utter, worthless crap you are?
I need to remember to take my freaking pills, cause this really, really sucks.
I’ve realized something about the drag shows: everyone else goes there to unwind. I go there and plunge deeper into my thoughts. And tonight showed me something important: I’m a freaking train wreck.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve figured out that I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I can’t tell what I’m supposed to feel anymore—I can’t tell if I’m really happy or really sad, hence the rapid changes in my mood lately. I look at my life and think that there’s nothing to be sad about, but then two minutes later I look again and find that there’s no reason to be happy. I don’t know what to do. I’m not what I want to be. It feels like everything’s slowly falling apart around me. I don’t even know if I can rely on my performance at school this semester, because I’m not feeling too confident about it. Deep in my mind, I know that if I lose that, I lose everything. I can’t let go, but I so desperately want to.
I know I shouldn’t complain. I’m just rapidly losing sight of what I need. So what if I have a 4.0? So what if I have friends? So what if I can afford all the necessities of life? I’m not happy. At least, I don’t think I am. I don’t even know anymore.
I feel like I’m missing something, like there’s a gaping hole in my life somewhere that needs to be filled. It’s like a gnawing in the back of my mind or a scratching at my skin. I really need something; I need it desperately, right here and now. I just don’t know what it is. I can’t sit still I need it so badly. My mind is shooting in a thousand directions, trying to find what it is. I need to sit down and have a good conversation with someone. I need the answers. I need reassurance, even if it’s just a bunch of empty promises. I need to find the reasons for it all. I need someone to hug. I need to get out of my head for awhile and just be, but I know that’s impossible. I feel like I’m on a treadmill, running and running as fast as I can all the while knowing that I won’t be anywhere different when I’m done.
I’m trapped. I hate it. I almost wish I would fail, so then I could be free.
I want to start over.
I’m so sick of myself.
No blog today, due to my feeling totally like crap. Sorry to disappoint—it seems to be the only thing I’ve been good at doing lately.