Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the fifth year of Claudia’s blogs. I’ve been looking forward to this day since about July because having nearly 1,500 blogs allows for copious amounts of stats insanity, most of which I’m not going to post here (messing around with regression? DON’T MIND IF I DO).
Anyway.

PART I. NO ONE CAN RESIST THE EXCITEMENT OF TREND ANALYSES!

As you know, I dig graphs. Hence, here are a few graphs. The light red straight line on each one indicates the mean value. Doing this was massively enjoyable.

Ordered from lowest to highest. This one surprised me. I was expecting to see some sort of trend—like maybe lower word counts in general for the summer months or something. But no. Haha, it’s interesting that the first months of living in the house with the boys have such low word counts. I guess I was too busy playing Rock Band and killing mice.

Average word count overall: 7,348

I think the sheer number of surveys I do dragged this down for most months, but who knows.

Ordered:

Average words per sentence overall: 9.52

GFI is the Gunning Fox Index, which tells you the number of years of formal education a person requires in order to be able to understand the text in one read. For comparison’s sake: the GFI of one of my phil papers was 16.67 (average words per sentence was about 22), so obviously I put “school writing” and “blog writing” in two very different categories. As it should be.

Ordered:

Average GFI overall: 7.26

PART II. WORDLE!

PART III. THE TITLES, THE TITLES!

You know I couldn’t resist.

The “Waiter!” ones

• Waiter! There’s a hippo in my Taco Grande!
• Waiter! They’re a Pythagorean Theorem in my Pi!
• Waiter! There’s a Creationist in my Primordial Soup!
• Waiter! There’s a quadriplegic in my Jazzercise class!
• Waiter! There’s an Intergalactic Star Cruiser in my Bran Muffin!
• Waiter! There’s a Hard Rock in my Cafe!
• Waiter! There’s a Leper in my Ant Colony!
• Waiter! There’s some fuzzy logic in my dryer’s lint collector!
• Waiter! Why the hell do you always bring me crappy puns?
• Waiter! There’s a tree falling in my forest and I can’t tell if it’s making a sound!
• Waiter! There’s some Plato in my Play-Doh!
• Waiter! There’s an abominable snowman in my snow cone!
• Waiter! There’s a Pisces in my Tropic of Capricorn!
• Waiter! There’s a Matt Farnsworth in my Blog!
• Waiter! There’re four and twenty blackbirds in my pie chart! (Confused? Understandable.)
• Waiter! There’s kurtosis in my bimodal-distributed data!
• Waiter! …Waiter? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGLHALSKFDJSL!!!
• Waiter! There’s a circular argument in my logic!
• Waiter! There’s an e in my pi (thus meaning he brought me pie! Sweet!)
• Waiter! There’s a Super Nova in my ANOVA! How in the world…?
• Waiter! There’s a god in my universe!
• Waiter! I JUST WANT SOUP, DAMMIT!
• Waiter! There’s an Ego in my Eggo!
• Waiter! There’s a hippocampus in my zoo!
• Waiter! There’s heteroscedasticity in my samples!
• Waiter! There’s Godot in my post-modern humorous play!
• Waiter! There’s an…aw, screw it, can I just get some pasta?

“If a tree falls in a forest…” and other sayings ones

• If a tree falls in the forest, can we still have sex later?
• If a tree doesn’t fall in the forest and no one is around, does the universe suddenly implode?
• If no one falls in the forest and a tree is around to see it, does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPEN?
• If a tree farts in the forest, do all the other trees fall over?
• If a sound falls in a tree and no one is around, does it make a forest?
• If Newton falls in the forest and Leibniz is watching, does he throw a party?
• What is the sound of one tree falling?
• If an apple tree falls in the forest, does it still keep the doctor away?
• If you lead a horse to water and nobody’s around to see it, does it take a drink?
• What is the sound of one horse being led to water?
• You can lead a tree to a forest, but you can’t make it fall.

Godot jokes

• Why doesn’t somebody buy Godot a watch?
• Silly Godot…Watches are for PUNCTUALITY
• If Godot falls in the forest and no one is around…
• If Godot falls in the forest and no one is around, do we have to wait even longer?
• You can lead Godot and Vladimir and Estragon, but you can’t make him show up
• Godot jokes will continue until he arrives.
• Godot Divides by Zero
• *insert Godot joke here*

“I shouldn’t title blogs when I’m hyper” ones (aka “The Caps Lock Series”)

• CLAUDIA’S INSANELY HYPER SURVEY OF INSANE HYPERNESS
• I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANSISCO OH SHI—*collapses*
• How long can these subject headings be, anyway? I mean can you just ramble on and oh here it is
• Oh-ho-ho! Somebody left the water running! I guess all we can do now is count the sunflowers
• It’s Tuesday and it’s late and I don’t have a life or plans or a soul or a taco or five tacos
• HELLO GOOD SIR JUST STOPPING IN TO TELL YOU HOW AWESOME LEIBNIZ IS PIP PIP TALLY HO
• Sometimes I have the answers. Other times I’m just a toaster.
• BLOG: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD
• IT’S NOT THAT HARD, GET IT RIGHT *frustrationfrustrationfrustration*
• I AM IRON MAN…DERRNERRNERRNERRNERRNERRNERR, IRON PANTS
• “DURRRR WHAT’S A STAPLE”
• Blah blah ah-ah-ahhh, blog-ah, blog-ah-ah! MySpace, ooh la-la! Want your bad blog post!
• If Captain Planet isn’t your hero, you’re a COMMIE
• CRAIGSLIST YOU ARE MY ONLY COMPANION MAKE HOT SWEET LOVE TO ME YOUR PIC GETS MINE – 22 F

10 more that don’t fit into any other category

• If you want to eat an apple pie, you must first consume the universe
• Jimmy crack corn one more time and I’m referring him to a specialist
• Yo blog title, I’mma let you finish, but this entry holds one of the best blogs of all time
• This just in: geophagists across the globe are biting the dust!
• I used to teach a failing fly-tying class until I realized my efforts were all for knot.
• I used to work at a bridal shop specializing in headdresses. My work there was to know a veil.
• Hello, I’m Erik Erikson and I have a silly name
• Indiana Jones and the 25 Credits of Doom
• Do philosophy departments have Causal Fridays?
• I think it was Socrates who said, “Hello! My name is Socrates!”

No, I don’t have a life, thank you for asking.

Blog on why Facebook can suck it will come tomorrow.

Hooray for 4 years of blogging!

Today’s song: My Skin by Natalie Merchant