Jazzy’s Ashes
My mom and I went to pick up Jazzy’s ashes today. It was, of course, emotional, but not as bad as I was expecting. She’s back with us now, which is what matters.
Here is an imprint of her paw.
I miss her so, so, so much.
I ain’t ‘fraid of no toast
Mother Nature: Gentle humans, I bestow upon thee the Hawkeye apple – a beautiful red apple with a delicious, appealing taste.
Humans: Yum! Let’s call it a red delicious!
Mother Nature: Marvelous!
Humans: But it’s ugly.
Mother Nature: U…ugly? It’s a gorgeous naturally red apple.
Humans: It’s got some yellow stripes on it.
Mother Nature: Ah, but that’s part of its beauty! Each apple is unique!
Humans: Yellow stripes are unappealing. We want a perfectly red apple. Let’s start selectively breeding these bad boys to get rid of the yellow and make them red as a gaping flesh wound.
Mother Nature: K that’s gross but do you realize that a lot of the genes responsible for flavor are on the same chromosomes as the genes responsible for the yellow stripes?
Humans: I WANT UNIFORM FACTORY FRUIT SO HELP ME GOD LET’S GET ON WITH THE INBREEDING TO MAKE THESE SONS OF BITCHES LOOK LIKE THEY WERE SPRAY-PAINTED WITH BLOOD
Mother Nature: Alright, alright, whatever.
*decades pass*
Humans: ???Why do red delicious apples taste like ass???
(True story).
Sigh.
I am so freaking sad.
5 Years
Ayyyyyo, so today Nate and I are celebrating our 5-year anniversary.
It’d be super nice if we could do our usual anniversary routine (Denny’s, overnight stay at Best Western watching the Food Network and playing Jeopardy!) since we got cheated out of it last year, but whatev.
We’re together and that’s all that matters!
(But we love the Food Network, haha.)
Vague Blog is Vague
When it eventually happens, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Just sayin’.
I don’t really have a blog today.
I’m sad, sorry.
Trouble
I don’t know if it’s because of Jazzy’s death, but I’m having a really hard time right now.
I know in the grand scheme of things she’s still here and her atoms and whatever else made up her as an individual are already scattering about the world and becoming other things.
But I miss her so, so much.
It’s also really hard to care about anything else, including the looming fall semester.
I’m just not invested. At all.
BOOM A SURVEY
It’s been a while since I’ve done a survey, hasn’t it? I’m too lazy to check. As if it matters
100 Truths about me!
1. Real name: Claudia
2. Nickname: I don’t have one.
3. Birth order: THE ONE AND ONLY
4. Gender: Chicky-chick
5. Elementary school: St. Mary’s
6. Middle school: Moscow Junior High
7. High school: Moscow High School
8. College: UI, UBC, UWO (for like two weeks), U of C
9. Hair color: Black
10. Tall or short: I will STAB you
11. Sweats or jeans: Sweats
12. Phone or camera: My phone is my camera
13. Health freak: I wouldn’t say I’m a “freak” about it. I love exercising, though
14. Orange or apple: Apples. Citrus is the devil
15. Have a crush on someone: TEEHEE
16. Guy or girl friends: Neither, haha
17. Piercings: Ears. I used to have an industrial, but the holes closed like a day after I took the bar out
18. Pepsi or coke: Neither
19. Ever been in an airplane: Yup
20. Ever been in a relationship: Yup
21. Ever been in a car accident: We got blonked in Tucson that one time. And I got hit by a van while I was walking
22. Ever been in a fist fight: Nope
23. First piercing: Ears
24. Best Friend: I don’t have one
25. First award: Uhhhhhhhh I think I got an award in 2nd grade (or 3rd grade? 4th grade?) for running during our whole PE period. I did it because our PE teacher said that we would warm up by running around the field and once we stopped running we would play basketball. I did not want to play basketball, so I ran the whole time. I SURE SHOWED THEM
26. First crush: Lead
27. First word: Tick-tock
28. Any talent: Zero
29. Last person you talked to: Nate
30. Last person you texted: My mom
31. Last person you watched a movie with: Nate
32. Last thing you ate: A tortilla
33. Last movie/ TV show you watched: I can’t remember
34. Last song you listened to: Viva la Vida by the glorious Coldplay
35. Last thing you bought: Groceries
36. Last person you hugged: Nate
37. Favorite food: Broccoli/penne/feta
38. Drink: Water
39. Bottoms: Bottoms? Like…pants? Anything comfortable
40. Flower: Sunflowers are coolio
41. Animal: Jazzy! I miss her so much.
42. Color: Orange
43. Movie: Sunshine
44. Subject: STATS!
HAVE YOU EVER? (Put an X if yes)
45. [X] fallen in love with someone
46. [X] celebrated Halloween
47. [X] had your heart broken
48. [] went over minutes/texts on your phone
49. [X] had someone like you
50. [X] hated the way someone changed
51. [] got pregnant
52. [] had an abortion
53. [X] did something you regret
54. [X] broken a promise
55. [X] hid a secret
56. [X] pretended to be happy
57. [X] met someone who changed your life
58. [X] pretended to be sick
59. [X] left the country
60. [X] tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
61. [X] cried over the silliest thing
62. [X] ran a mile
63. [] gone to the beach with your best friend
64. [X] gotten into an argument with your friends
65. [X] disliked someone
66. [X]stayed single for two years since the first time you had a bf/gf or been single forever
CURRENTLY:
67. Eating: Nothing
68. Drinking: Nothing
69. Listening to: Nothing, haha
70. Sitting or laying: Sitting
71. Plans for today: Technically it’s 11:45 PM, so…not too many plans going on for the rest of today
72. Waiting for: Normalcy
73. Want kids: God, no
74. Want to get married: I AM married!
75. Want to travel: Just back to Moscow
76. Lips or eyes: Like…in a partner? Eyes
77. Shorter or taller: Don’t care
78. Younger or older: A little older is good
79. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic
80. Trouble-maker or hesitant: Hesitant
81. Hook up or relationship: Relationship
82. Looks or personality: Personality
HAVE YOU EVER?
83. Lost glasses: Nope
84. Snuck out of the house: Nope
85. Held a gun/ knife in self defense: I held a big crowbar-like metal thing in defense against a very angry loose dog in Marana
86. Killed somebody: Haha, no
87. Broke someone’s heart: Maybe?
88. Been in love: Yes
89. Cried when someone died: Yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN?
90. Yourself: I suck
91. Miracles: Depends on what’s considered a “miracle”
92. Love at first sight: Yup
93. Heaven: Not in the traditional sense
94. Santa clause: No
95. Aliens: Sure
96. Ghosts/angels: Sure
TRUTHFULLY?
97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now: No
98. Do you know who your real friends are: I have no friends
99. Do you believe in God: Nope
100. Post as 100 Truths: FIGHT ME
I don’t want to blog.
I don’t want to do anything.
Growth
Everything is so depressing with Jazzy gone.
So depressing.
So let’s talk about life for a minute, shall we? Specifically, let’s look at Captain Planet.
Recall that Captain Planet is the succulent I bought a while ago at Safeway. When I got him, he was in a tiny little pot. I moved him to a larger pot a while ago, and he has super spread out since then. Check it:
He looks healthier, no?
*screaming*
*more screaming*
Stuff.
My mom’s here, by the way. She’ll be here at least a few weeks.
I also got a salary increase at work.
Not that either of those things make what happened yesterday any better. I just want to be with Jazzy.
Gone.
We had to say goodbye to Jazzy today.
We knew it would happen sooner rather than later, but we didn’t think it would be this soon.
She threw up some blood this morning, which gave further evidence to our theory that she had some sort of lump or tumor somewhere in her upper digestive tract that has made it painful/impossible for her to eat. She then went and hid in the TV stand, which was another big indication that she knew it was almost her time to go.
The biggest indicator, though, was that she stopped purring.
We knew she was suffering. We didn’t want her to suffer anymore. We called the vet and they said they couldn’t get her in to get her put down for another few days, but they gave us the numbers of a few vets that would do in-home euthanasia. We were able to get an appointment in the late morning. Again, we didn’t want her to suffer anymore.
We spent a few hours just sitting with her in the living room before the vet came.
He was an excellent vet. He was very compassionate and understanding and careful. He explained what he was going to do and let me hold her as he administered the shots. She died peacefully in my lap with Nate next to us.
It was so hard to let her go. The vet put her little body in a cushioned box and carried her out after giving us time to just be with her.
Nate and I just sat on the bed crying after she was gone.
The house feels so empty. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’ll never see her weaving down the hallway again or doing her little wiggly tail dance in the kitchen or hear her beautiful purrs. I know she’ll be here in spirit, but it won’t be the same.
She was my child.
I will miss you, Jazzy. I will love you forever.
Book Review: How Green Was My Valley (Llewellyn)
Have I read this before: Nope.
Review: I don’t know if it’s just because I’m super emotional right now (Jazzy’s not doing great), but this book really got to me. You get to spend a lot of time with Huw and his family and the town they live in is almost like a person itself and you see the effects that mining has not only on the family but on the town itself. It’s a very heartbreaking story.
Favorite Part: This beautiful quote:
“There is patience in the Earth to allow us to go into her, and dig, and hurt with tunnels and shafts, and if we put back the flesh we have torn from her and so make good what we have weakened, she is content to let us bleed her. But when we take, and leave her weak where we have taken, she has a soreness, and an anger that we should be so cruel to her and so thoughtless of her comfort. So she waits for us, and finding us, bears down, and bearing down, makes us a part of her, flesh of her flesh, with our clay in place of the clay we thoughtlessly have shoveled away.”
Rating: 6/10
Remember
Remember when people actually cared?
For like…six months?
I don’t feel like this virus is going anywhere anytime soon, but I think people will get more and more polarized by it and the government’s response to it.
(Edit from late 2023: LOL YUP)
FINALLY
My mom is coming up this week! I finally get to see her for the first time since 2019. That’s easily the longest time we’ve gone without seeing each other.
It’ll be good for her to see Jazzy, too; I don’t think she’s got much time left.
Scare
Kind of going off from yesterday’s post (kind of), I’ve been super into reading about (and watching videos/documentaries on) disasters. Especially structural collapse disasters, but we’re not limited to that.
So if you like to be horrified like I do, here are some fun YouTube channels that cover all sorts of disasters.
He does a good job objectively describing what leads up to an event, the event itself, and the aftermath.
They have a good number of non-disaster documentaries, but their disaster ones are good. The “Mayday” series will make you never want to fly again.
HAVE FUN!
Hyatt Regency
Hey, look what happened 40 years ago today.
As I’ve said here many times, structural collapse is absolutely terrifying to me, probably on par with fire as something that would be horrible to experience.
But I also find it fascinating. I actually learned about this skywalk collapse incident from an English class I took; someone had referenced it in a story and I had to go check it out because it seemed equal parts horrifying and interesting.
Anyway. With the whole Florida Surfside collapse thing, I like how CNN mentioned this somewhat similar tragedy that happened 40 years ago now.
A dream that’s NOT horrible or terrifying? I’ll take it!
We now take a break from our regularly scheduled dream programming of “here’s how the world will end!” to bring you a dream that’s actually not horrifying!
YAY!
So last night I dreamt that the sheriff from Stranger Things wasn’t actually the sheriff in Stranger Things but was instead a guy trying to be the sheriff of Riverdale.
(Yes, I’m still watching Riverdale. No, I am not ashamed. Yes, it is weirder than ever.)
In order to become the sheriff, though, he must win a karaoke contest that’s held over a radio station. He’s all set for this, but on the day of the contest, his voice is all scratchy and messed up so he can’t sing. But never fear! At the radio station, he pulls out a ventriloquist’s dummy and says that while he cannot sing, the dummy can. And the dummy does indeed to a decent rendition of “I Was On a Boat That Day” and wins the karaoke contest.
Well, technically the dummy wins the contest, which means the dummy becomes the sheriff and the guy becomes the deputy sheriff.
Yeah.
HEY LOOK IT’S QUAKE
Everyone knows I love Quake.
(watch with the captions on, they’re pretty great)
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has an original Quake CD.
5:13: “Episode 1: the one everybody played because it was a shareware.” Hahaha, I actually got a hold of Quake because the guy who was working on our house at the time had a pirated version of the whole game. Same thing with Half Life, if I’m remembering correctly.
5:46: I’ve been playing this game for like TWENTY FIVE YEARS and I never noticed that it was the Nine Inch Nails logo on the nail boxes. Though to be fair, I play original Quake, which is so freaking pixelated it’s a wonder I can recognize the nail boxes themselves.
The NAILGUNS. I love the nailguns. My “Nailpit” name was oh so cleverly derived from them when I was seven.
But no, really. It’s an extremely linear game that’s exactly the same every time you play it, but like I said, I’ve been playing this for 25+ years and haven’t gotten tired of it. It’s exactly my type of game and is very satisfying to play.
KABOOM! A SURVEY
What is a smell that you absolutely cannot stand? Smells are so afraid of me that they don’t even enter my nose.
When is the last time you felt adrenaline moving through your veins? Maybe when I saw those rafters being swept down the river a few weeks ago.
When is the last time you bought new shoes? What kind of shoes are they? Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA KINVARA QUEEEEEEEEEEN
Do you know anybody who snorts when they laugh? Who?
I…don’t think so?
Have you ever been hit on by a stranger? Flattering or creepy?
I had one guy stop me while I was walking in Vancouver once and said that I looked like a very intriguing person, but that’s about the extent of anyone ever hitting on me.
Do you remember the first Rated R movie you ever saw? What was it?
I have absolutely no idea.
What is something good that happened to you last week? Something bad?
Good: nothing. Bad: everything.
Are you afraid of any animals?
Of animals that I would ever really have a chance of encountering, I’m not a big fan of dogs.
Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude?
I don’t, but I don’t mind if other people do.
Have you ever gotten into a fight with somebody over the internet?
Not anything serious, no.
Do you think that you listen to your head or your heart more?
Head.
If your mom told you she was pregnant today would you freak out?
I’d be more curious about how that would be physically possible.
You trust all of your friends completely, true or false?
I don’t have any friends.
How many buttons are on the clothes you’re wearing right now?
Zero!
If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you choose?
Probably like bright orange or lime green, ‘cause I’m still that kind of person.
What has been the best night of your life so far? Why?
July 25, 2009. And I’m not telling you why.
Did you learn to read before, during, or after kindergarten?
Before I think?
Has anybody ever thrown you a surprise party?
I don’t think so.
Would you ever even think about taking part in a wet t-shirt contest?
I’m too ugly.
What is the last thing you lost?
My sanity.
Have you ever pretended to be sick to get out of something?
A few times, yes.
Who is somebody you know who is spoiled rotten?
Jazzy is, haha.
Would you rather visit Poland or Portugal?
Portugal.
Have you ever seen somebody give birth?
Nope.
You have 10 minutes to make dinner for two people, what do you make?
Ten minutes? That’s not a lot of time! Uh…ramen? Haha.
Have you ever borrowed something and never gave it back? What was it?
I totally snagged my mom’s vegetable chopper. And that strainer.
What is one thing you wish you understood about the opposite sex?
Meh.
Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby?
Yup.
Have you ever been in trouble for being too loud?
I’m sure I have, but I can’t think of any specific examples.
Yeah, Pretty Much
And -22 is NOT that cold of a temperature for Calgary. Just sayin’.
RAGE
This is called “95% of my answers were on the “agree” side of the scale.
Yes, I am an angry person.
Book Review: The Good Earth (Buck)
Have I read this before: Yes! But I don’t remember when. I think it was when I was in Vancouver. Or maybe I associate depressing books with the most depressing period in my life, WHO KNOWS?
Review: I mentioned “depressing” above. That’s because it is. I haven’t read The Grapes of Wrath yet, but this is about the same level of depressing that I would imagine that book to be. It’s a very raw glimpse into the effects of poverty, famine, and drought on a farming family, as well as some additional hardships (especially for O-Lan) when the family finally acquires some money. It’s actually the first book in a trilogy, so if you’re into that sort of thing and want to read about what happens to the future generations, check out the other two books.
Favorite Part: the description of the food riot and the looting was very well-written. You get caught up in the moment, just like the characters, and it feels like it happens so quickly and without thought. I really enjoyed that part.
Rating: 5/10
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