A HEALTH SURVEY
What health problems do you have right now?
None, as far as I know. Unless you count the 2017 Leg Incident, which still hurts every once and a while. Or the migraines, but those are few and far between.
Are you in chronic pain?
What do you take medications for?
What are some health issues you have had in the past?
I had appendicitis when I was 12. Migraines. A few concussions when I was younger, but I don’t know if a concussion is a “medical issue” more than it is an “injury.”
Do you have allergies?
Pineapple and Asthmacort. The weirdest thing about the pineapple allergy is that my dad never believed me when I told him I was allergic to it. Like…why would I lie about that? And why would he doubt me? It’s not a severe allergy by any means, but when I was in elementary school, I was pretty quick to make the connection between having pineapple at lunch and feeling my airway tighten. Not cool.
If so, what are you allergic to?
Have you ever been to an allergist?
Nope. I “diagnosed” the pineapple allergy on my own, and the asthmacort allergy came about when I had pleurisy. They gave me asthmacort to help improve my breathing. Turns out it does the opposite when you’re allergic to it.
Have you ever been to the ER?
Have you ever been treated poorly in the ER?
Have…have you been to Gritman? Incompetence City. That ER I went to in Vancouver wasn’t bad, though.
Have you ever been told your symptoms were anxiety, when they weren’t?
I don’t think so?
What is the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced?
Appendicitis hurt pretty badly. I couldn’t stand up straight and it was Puke City. The migraines are pretty bad, too, if I don’t catch them in time.
How many surgeries have you had?
What types of surgery have you had?
I had my appendix out at the end of 6th grade and my wisdom teeth out at the end of 12th grade.
Have you ever been treated poorly by a doctor?
Man, let’s not go into that, huh?
Have you ever had a doctor tried to kill you?
Is your primary care doctor a man or a woman?
I don’t have a primary care doctor. Doctors suck.
Have you had the same primary care doctor your whole life?
See above. And every primary care doctor I had as a kid/teenager sucked.
Are you happy with your current doctor?
Again, see above.
Have you ever seen a specialist for anything?
I saw an ENT who tested my hearing when I was younger. I have a weird thing with my left ear. He don’t work so good. I also saw an ENT (at the same place?) about my lack of smell, though no one really did anything about that ‘cause nobody gives a shit.
What is the most itchiest thing you have ever experienced?
My appendix scars (the biggest one, at least) still itch every once and a while. Though really dry legs itch like hell, too.
Have you ever had a severe itch, that you’d rate a 10?
On a scale of 1-10, what’s the worst physical pain you’ve ever been in?
[insert femur ward joke here]
Uh…7? I dunno.
Have you ever passed out from pain?
Have you ever thrown up from pain?
Do you have any food intolerances? If so, to what?
I don’t think so.
Do you have any food sensitivities? If so, to what?
I don’t know if the pineapple thing is actually an allergy or a sensitivity. But I don’t have gluten sensitivity or anything like that.
What medications are you allergic to?
Do you have acne?
I get pimples every once and a while, but nothing too severe.
Do you take birth control pills?
Are your hormones screwed up?
Do you have bad withdrawals from medications?
I don’t think I’ve ever had withdrawal issues.
What are some withdrawal symptoms you’ve had?
What are some bad side effects of medications that you’ve had?
HAHAHAHA BITCH LEMME TELL YA
If there’s a side effect, I’ll get it. Let’s just put it that way.
Have you ever gained weight from a medication? If so, how much?
Remeron can go die.
Have you ever had to take Prednisone?
How many hours a sleep do you need?
I can still swing three hours a night for a few nights if I need to.
How many hours a sleep do you get?
2-5, depending on the day.
Do you exercise enough?
I walk 15 miles a day, you tell me.
Do you eat healthy?
Not as healthy as I should.
Are you on a special diet for your health?
Are you trying to lose weight or gain weight?
Whatever my weight is, I’ll still be ugly, so who cares.
Are you a healthy weight?
Last time I checked.
Are you happy with your weight?
Do you take showers or baths?
How often do you shower or bathe?
Less often than I should, haha.
Do you take vitamins? If so, which ones?
What bones have you broken?
What’s the worst physical injury you’ve had?
The concussions. They both happened when I was pretty young; I fell off a slide after defying my parents and climbing on the outside of it rather than going down it the normal way. That was concussion 1. Concussion 2 happened while I was sledding. I was motoring down a hill and ran right into a frozen clod of dirt.
Do you have sensitive skin?
What time of year do you usually get sick?
I get sick once every four years. Seriously. Time me.
What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had?
I was hitting 103 that time I had pleurisy in high school.
Have you ever had the flu?
…maybe? I actually don’t know.
Have you ever had bronchitis?
Have you ever had an ear infection?
Nope. I was one of those kids who never got one.
Do you snore?
I’m not sure. Nate, do I snore?
What pain reliever do you use for cramps?
Ibuprofen. That’s the only thing that works.
Are you afraid of shots?
Have you ever donated blood?
I tried once in high school, but the tech said I was “dangerously anemic” so I didn’t.
Do you do well with shots?
Sure. They’re fine.
What x-rays have you had?
I know I’ve had at least one. We were playing wombat in high school and John chucked the bat right at my shin. I didn’t have a fracture, but that’s what they were afraid of.
What do you keep on hand for emergencies?
My Bottle o’ Pills (Excedrine, Gravol, ibuprofen) and my Swiss army knife. In case I have to cut anything.
Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction?
Not super severe, but severe enough.
Have you ever used an epi pen?
Have you ever been to the ER for a severe allergic reaction?
What’s the worst burn you’ve ever had?
I scalded the hell out of my mouth with some hot tea once. I drank tea in Vancouver because it was warm and it was the only comforting thing I had. Once I had to go to this early morning seminar thing, so I put my tea in one of those insulated coffee mug things and brought it with me. Did you know that those insulated coffee mug things are designed to keep hot things hot for longer than they’d stay hot in an open cup? Apparently I didn’t know that. Took a big swig of it and couldn’t taste anything for like a week.
Do you get nosebleeds?
When it’s dry.
Do you get motion sickness?
Do you have scars?
Do you have a sweet tooth?
Do you ever crave chocolate?
Do you ever crave cheese?
Cheese is the best.
Do you drink enough water?
How old were you when you started your period?
How old were you when you started going through puberty?
At what time of day do you normally feel your best?
Like 2 AM. I’m weird.
Are you naturally optimistic or pessimistic?
Are you naturally energetic?
Does your mind wander a lot?
Do you know your blood type?
Have you ever been taken to the hospital against your will?