Death by Lava: There’s an App for That


Gather ‘round, children, and let me tell you of the dream in which I murdered thousands of people by using an app!

In this dream, I still live in Calgary. But rather than the city being situated where it is currently, it sat in this basin surrounded by a bunch of dormant volcanoes.

One of these volcanoes is of particular interest to scientists. Specifically, they want to see if they can make it active again. Because Science™. So to help their cause, they create an app. The app is a giant button that, when pressed, sets off one of many explosive charges that have been placed inside the dormant volcano. The scientists make a special news announcement about this app and encourage people to use it. Because Science™.

And I love this app. Anytime I have a moment, I open it and press the detonation button.

One day, Nate and I have to go shopping, so we head to this big mall that’s outside of the basin, kind of along the rim somewhere. From the parking lot, you can look down into the basin and can see the ring of dormant volcanoes around it.

Standing out in this parking lot, I can’t tell which of the volcanoes is the one we’re trying to make active again, so I pull out my phone and open the app with the intention of seeing if I can tell which volcano it is if I set off one of the charges. I push the button approximately 40 times (thus setting off 40 charges) and look around to see if I can see where the detonations are happening. Then I notice that there’s lava bubbling up in one of the volcanoes that is rapidly spilling out down the sides of the volcano and heading right towards Calgary.

I’m like “OH SHIT”—more due to the fact that Jazzy is down there in the path of the lava rather than the fact that like 1.2 million people are down there as well—and run to tell Nate that we need to get back down there to save our kitty.

But then I woke up, so I don’t know what kind of carnage I caused.

Odd news.

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