Crossing the US/Canada border with my mom is always some sort of adventure. Talking to the border guards—especially going back into the States—always makes my mom nervous, and I have trouble keeping from laughing because every time we cross the border I remember all our previous border incidents where my mom was in panic mode and I had to answer the border guards’ questions for her.
But today’s crossing was extra special.
Let me set the scene for you, ‘cause you need to be able to visualize all of this.
When we pulled up to the crossing, the lineup to get through wasn’t especially long, but there were a decent number of vehicles in front of us. There were enough, in fact, for one of the border guard dudes to open up one of the other lanes. He guided a few of us towards it, and we ended up pulling behind a truck that had a very prominent pair of truck nuts hanging down from the rear.
If you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing truck nuts before, they are these things:
(pic from here)
And these exist because…?
I honestly have no idea. Maybe because mounting a 10x scale model of one’s penis to the front of one’s hood is illegal.
But anyway. Mr. Truck Nuts McDangle is now right in front of us, and my mom, never having seen the monstrosity that is a pair of truck nuts before, is taking pictures of it with her phone and laughing while doing so.
I’m pretty sure she’s going to get us arrested by the border guards, but even they seem to be amused by the nuts. There are a few of them circling around the vehicles, just making sure we’re all actually in lanes, and I see a few of them looking at the truck in front of us and laughing a little.
Anyway. Nuts Dude finally pulls up to the crossing window, talks to the guards, and goes on through. As they’re pulling away, I see the two guards outside the booth laughing a bit—probably about the nuts.
So then we pull up.
My mom, nervous about the border as always, had rehearsed questions with me. She always brings a cooler with her whenever she comes up here, so she always has me rehearse with her what to say if they ask her what’s in the cooler.*
And of course they ask. “What’s in the cooler?”
Now keep in mind that we’ve all been primed with giant-ass truck nuts just moments ago.
My mom takes both hands, holds them like a foot and a half apart, and says, “I’ve got a biiiig zucchini.”
I honestly don’t know how those border guards kept straight faces; I had to turn away because I was losing my mind laughing. The guards managed to finish asking their questions and sent us on our way, at which point I totally lost it.
My mom had no idea what was so funny, so I explained it to her as we were driving out of the border crossing area, and we almost had to pull over ‘cause we were both laughing so hard.
I know it may not sound as funny just typed out like this, but holy hell, that was fantastic when it happened.
It’ll be hard to top this border crossing.
Edit: I had to check out the “truck nuts” Wiki page just to see what it had to say, and one of the sentences has the phrase “truck nuts exploded” and I can’t handle this universe anymore.
*We had a “carrot incident” once coming back from Vancouver…it’s still one of the funniest things that’s ever happened to us.