So YET AGAIN I’m having a dilemma about school. I really, really don’t have any idea what I do. If I stay, I’ll be miserable for approximately five years, but if I leave, I’ll regret quitting for the rest of my life. I can’t figure out which one would be worse as of right now.

Why am I having such a hard time with this? I think one of my biggest roadblocks in all of this has been my fear of what others will think. “She’s too stupid to get through grad school.” “All the other schools were right in rejecting her.” “She’s a quitter.” I know that sounds pathetic, but it’s something I worry about, especially if I want to get a job at the Census and/or get a Philosophy MA or PhD.

Anyway.

It got to the point tonight where the decision was so 50/50 that I realized the only way I was going to solve my dilemma was to utilize the old coin flip. I relied on an online coin flipper (because manual coin-flipping is biased slightly in several different ways—look it up, it’s interesting), with heads being “leave” and tails being “stay.”

This exercise proved three things to me. First, when the coin came up “tails” and I went on flipping it until it came up heads (three times, by the way), it proved that I really did have a preference.

Second, it proved that what I was actually looking for was an excuse—an excuse to get off this track I had so meticulously set for myself—and that I was so desperate for this excuse that I would count an online coin-flipper’s outcome as my ticket to freedom.

Third, it proved that I’m unlikely to do anything anytime soon about it, because that’s just the way I am. I like to finish what I start. If I don’t, I hate myself even more.

So here we sit.

And here I am.

I don’t even know what else to say.

Sorry, it’s been a bad day.

Today’s song: Glitter in the Air by P!nk