IT’S IN ALL CAPS CAUSE IT’S THAT FREAKING IMPORTANT AND I’M THAT FREAKING HYPER, DANGIT!

AND JUST IN CASE IT’S NOT EVIDENT BY THE QUESTIONS, I WROTE THIS PIECE OF CRAP!

1. PANTS! ARE YOU WEARING THEM?
Unfortunately, my dear survey. Unfortunately. Wait, wait—HA! I removed them! WHO OWNS THE WORLD, NOW?!?!?!

2. BONSAI TREES! ARE YOU WEARING THEM?
Just two. Where my pants used to be.

3. WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON DR. SEUSS? DO YOU THINK HE DID HEROIN?
I think I was the one on heroin when I wrote that “Seuss on the Loose” poem. Haha, remember that, Maggie? When I posted it on your wall on Facebook? I RULE!

4. DO YOU THINK IT’S MATHEMATICALLY POSSIBLE TO DIVIDE BY ZERO?
The way I see it, when you’re dividing things, it’s like your dividing them into groups (this is how I was taught to divide). Thus, if you divide something by zero, you divide it into no groups, and the number stays the same. I think it should be opposite of what it is—I don’t think you should be able to divide zero by anything. Cause if you try and divide zero into, for example, two groups, you FAIL! MISERABLY! BAM!

5. NAME YOURSELF “JONAH.” WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A LARGE WHALE SWALLOWED YOU, JONAH?
I would pray, pray, pray to Buddha for my regurgitation on to dry land.
Wait.
That’s not right.

6. IF THE BIBLE ISN’T GOD’S WORD, WHOSE WORD IS IT?
William Shatner’s!

7. ARE YOU SICK OF ME ASKING THESE QUESTIONS IN QUESTION FORM?
Slightly.

8. WOULD YOU LIKE A STATEMENT INSTEAD?
Yes.

9. OKAY, FINE.
Thank you!

10. “CITIZEN SNIIIIIIIIPS!”
Haha, Futurama rules.

11. DO YOU HAVE INTENSELY ROMANTIC DREAMS INVOLVING JOHN PHILIP SOUSA?
How…how did you know?

12. COLIN MOCHRIE: HOT OR INCREDIBLY HOT?
Funny bald men get me every time.

13. SPEAKING OF COLIN MOCHRIE, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ANIMATED FLASH SERIES “COLIN MOCHRIE VS. JESUS H. CHRIST?”
I have indeed. Hilarity.

14. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON COLIN?
Yes.

15. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON COLON?
Ha! How tragically hilarious that would be!

16. WOULD YOU NAME YOUR SON ANY OTHER BODY PART?
My two little boys shall be named Spleen and Jugular Vein (but we will call him J.V. for short).

17. RATE THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF YOUR BUTT ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, 1 BEING HIDEOUS, 10 BEING GEORGE CLOONEY IN BUTT FORM (THIS WITH THE ASSMPTION THAT 98% OF WOMEN FIND GEORGE CLOONEY ATTRACTIVE; IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU DO OR NOT, CAUSE YOU’RE OPINION ON GEORGE CLOONEY DOESN’T MATTER AT THIS POINT OF THE SURVEY!)
2.36

18. NOW IT DOES: WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ON GEORGE CLOONEY?
I think he’s a fair-looking person.

19. WHICH RETARDED ANIMAL BABY DO YOU MOST RESEMBLE?
Oh my goodness, PUPPY!

20. LIST THREE MOVIES THAT WOULD BE INSANELY HILARIOUS IF THEY WERE MADE INTO MUSICALS:
The Day After Tomorrow
Speed
Snakes on a Plane

21. SECOND TO LAST QUESTION! ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?
Will you hold me?

22. LAST QUESTION (OR COMMAND, RATHER): FINISH THIS LIMERICK, YOU HOOLIGAN! “IN SPAIN AFTER HAVING BURRITOS…”
“…I met up with Danny DeVito.
We were having a blast,
But not long did it last,
He was bitten by a malarial mosquito!”