God, what strange fun I have with these Facebook status update doodads:

-Claudia is sleeping.
-Claudia is dorky.
-Claudia is pondering the existence of marmalade.
-Claudia is hating math for all she’s worth (about $0.75)
-Claudia is wishing Taco Bell would just STFU!
-Claudia is thinking about the infinite…biohazard properties of Cheetos.
-Claudia is really hating that Pina Colada song.
-Claudia is dancing like an idiot…cause that’s what she does!
-Claudia is contemplating Freud’s Structure of the Mind theory in regards to “Retarded Animal Babies.”
-Claudia is awesome at Scrabble.
-Claudia is wondering why “Craig” isn’t short for “Craigory.”
-Claudia is a sick-minded weirdo.
-Claudia is annoying the crap out of everyone and enjoying every minute of it!
-Claudia is putting the “psycho” back in “psychology major.”
-Claudia is getting married to Alan (send flowers!).
-Claudia is getting to know the Muffin Man quite well, thank you.
-Claudia is currently absorbed in greater things (like herself).
-Claudia is amused at how many Facebook groups feel the need to add, “BITCH!” to the end of their titles.
-Claudia is one of the first in a long line of weirdoes who love to push the limits of these “type in whatever you want” things by typing too much random crap.
-Claudia is tired of waiting for Godot and is going to get a taco instead.
-Claudia is glad that Godot finally showed up and is now sharing a taco with her!
-Claudia is Spartacus.
-Claudia is having fun with sex without having sex cause she doesn’t have sex cause she’s pathetic.
-Claudia is sharp, like cheddar.
-Claudia is “aidualc” spelled backwards.
-Claudia is profound, like a he-bride.
-Claudia is like a virgin snowfall…except without all that pure crap.
-Claudia is magically delicious! Lick her!
-Claudia is profound, like a satellite dish.
-Claudia is busy drinking. Shut up, Susie!
-Claudia is busy chasing after Sexy…the damn thing ran off again and Timberlake’s in rehab!
-Claudia is demanding a Grammy now that she has captured Sexy, brought it back, and has written a song about the whole ordeal.
-Claudia is insane! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho code 34-68345: “failure to properly secure sexy bosoms during vigorous running on and/or around an exercise apparatus.”
-Claudia is forever, like a diamond or a Twinkie.
-Claudia is a tree! A tree tree tree! A treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
-Claudia is a plague of society (like disease, or republicans).
-Claudia is flailing her arms around, pretending to be a conductor of a large orchestra. Oh, shut up, it’s not like you’ve never done it before!
-Claudia is freedom from irrationality, freedom of thought, and freedom of decision.
-Claudia is more than this, less than that, and 7.9 times the cost of a dreidel.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 58-32512: failure to properly follow the moral guidelines of an orchestra conductor in regards to sexual misuse(s) of the wand.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 23-21454: failure to participate in mass arm movements when singing “YMCA” in a public area.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 13-29485: failure to properly salute St. Valentine by refusing to indulge in chocolate and/or flowers and/or self-pleasure and/or sex.
-Claudia is rebelling against Romanticism. Bring back the Enlightenment, dammit!
-Claudia is rhetorical.
-Claudia is in compliance with Idaho Democrats Code 63-36116: participation in the singing of “Ice Ice Baby” during all of Bush’s pointless State of the Union addresses.
-Claudia is wicker. WICKER, DAMMIT, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!
-Claudia is a toaster, and she’s going on an adventure with a few other appliances, including a vacuum, a blanket, a radio, and a lamp! Wee! She’s so brave!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 83-2593: failure to wear pants while delivering a speech with intentions of announcing one’s running for the position of the governor.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 99-26247: making up fake Idaho Codes.
-Claudia is starting a petition demanding that Jimmy leave the real estate business and return to his former occupation of corn cracking…we DO care, Jimmy, we DO care!
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 46-36643: failure to cock one’s head to the side and mutter “ah—how profound!” while looking at a painting in a modern art exhibition.
-Claudia is recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors to alleviate boredom (side effects include amnesia, hammer-toes, fever, and a severe desire to repeat the word “Uranus”).
-Claudia is not the droid you’re looking for.
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 66-66666: failure to be a Republican (?!?!).
-Claudia is a copyright of the Pepsi corporation. Any attempts to redistribute her will result in Pepsi coming down on your ass!
-Claudia is busy trying to find Jesus…in random Mexican food products.
-Claudia is brief, like underwear.
-Claudia is not heir to the British throne, but is having fun convincing strangers otherwise.
-Claudia is wondering to whom all her base are belonging.
-Claudia is fun, like ebola.
-Claudia is wondering why the “Alzheimer’s Crisis Line” is the most difficult phone number to commit to memory in the phonebook.
-Claudia is tired of this trite, monotonous existence, and is therefore going to remove her pants.
-Claudia is manipulating the data (bwahaha!)
-Claudia is sending Sexy back to exile.
-Claudia is fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-laa…NITROGEN!
-Claudia is screwing around in the Ag Sci computer lab (take THAT, productivity!).
-Claudia is rising to power in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is now the Chief Justice of the Ag Sci Computer Lab Court.
-Claudia is Pharaoh of the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is facing opposition from the riffraff in the Ag Sci computer lab.
-Claudia is fighting the death of her dynasty in the Ag Sci computer lab! Barricade the doors! Fire the cannons! Do something! Anything! Damn you all!
-Claudia is now exiled from the Ag Sci computer lab…but she’ll be back…hehe…with knives…
-Claudia is the faded star, from which hopes and desires once vibrant grew dull and henceforth was produced naught but dismal truth and bitter reality (wee!).
-Claudia is in violation of Idaho Code 37-78291: touching MC Hammer’s “this” despite multiple previous warnings.
-Claudia is feelin’ rebellious and wondering which preposition to end this sentence WITH!
-Claudia is waiting for the carpool to Funkytown.
-Claudia is wishing Godot were a little more punctual.
-Claudia is tittuping about
-Claudia is madness. Or Sparta, she can’t remember.
-Claudia thinks “Choco LEIBNIZ…Fig NEWTONS…something suspicious is going on in the world of tasty desserts!”.
-Claudia is laughing at Newton. You’re a silly man, Newton!
-Claudia writes “a very well expressed account of Leibniz.” Hahaha, if her philosophy professor only knew…
-Claudia thinks the material conditional and the biconditional should die.
-Claudia is winning her war against the biconditional if and only if she can make a biconditional joke in her status update.
-Claudia is a logical person, she just can’t prove it (haha).
-Claudia vs. the U of I: now playing at a department near you!
-Claudia can do impressive aerial acrobatics in her dreams, but can’t multiply 3 x 3 (apparently she thinks it’s 2,791).
-Claudia has SPAGHETTI! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!
-Claudia can’t find proof of P!
-Claudia met Godot (he showed up for ME, I don’t know what your problems are, Vladimir and Estragon)
-Claudia is building a city. What’s a better foundation, concrete or rock and roll?
-Claudia thinks people with butterfly phobias are funny.
-Claudia CAN’T THINK OF A WITTY STATUS UPDATE WHEN SHE’S THIS HYPER!
-Claudia has an insatiable urge to graph stuff.
-Claudia is going to have some good Peace of Mind tonight…hopefully on expert mode.
-Claudia thinks Sean is the greatest badass ever. And he has a hatredcopter.
-Claudia is extolling the virtues of oat consumption
-Claudia is 99.7% confident that she falls within 3 standard deviations of the mean.
-Claudia says “this just in: Pavlov’s dogs conditioned to chase Schrödinger’s cat; cat presumed dead and alive.”
-Claudia rarely has dreams in which at least the basic laws of physics don’t apply, but last night was one of those rare nights. Take that, angular momentum!
-Claudia crashed too many zeppelins, so they took her company away from her.
-Claudia is wondering if the absolute value of zero is really cold.
-Claudia wishes she had a black belt in math.
-Claudia had a nightmare that she was trapped in a 3×3 matrix and was subtracted to zero when someone put it in reduced echelon form. Damn you, Linear Algebra!
-Claudia wants to find out exactly what percentage of statistics are actually made up on the spot thanks to all those “x number of statistics are made up on the spot”
-Claudia wants to know why raising something to the power of pi isn’t called “circling.”