Waiter! There’s a hippo in my Taco Grande!

Today I shall give you the top 10 reasons why pants can SUCK IT!

10. Those stupid low-rise jeans.
They suck. Who wants to see all that blubber? Not me. America’s fat. America shouldn’t be wearing those types of pants.

9. Jeans in general.
They suck. Who wants to wear thick, uncomfortable, unstretchable fabric? Not me.

8. Inseams.
What the hell is an inseam, anyway? Who the crap came up with that? Probably some pervert who wanted to run a tape measure up a grown man’s leg. “Pardon me, sir, I’m just getting your inseam measurement” *fondle fondle*.

7. The “petite” label.
Friggin’ hate this. Especially since they’re too long for me in the end anyway. I’m boycotting.  Plus I’m not “petite”. I’m manly. They should have a “manly” pants label.

6. “Dress pants.”
Another stupid term. When I was younger (5) I used to hear this term and think, “hooray! I get to wear a dress!” Then they sprung pants on me. I was emotionally crushed on multiple occasions. Do not confuse the young and ignorant. Do not use the term “dress pants”.

5. Too many lack Velcro up the sides.
Ever seen “The Full Monty”? Wasn’t that cool when they just ripped those pants off? Holy crap, I want to watch that movie. Best British film ever. Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my underwear drawer.

4. The pockets, the pockets!
What’s up with this? Who uses their pants as a storage unit?? I love how these people walk around with virtual U-Haul storage space on their legs. “You need some candy? Check the knee pocket. Breath mints? Check the left butt. Stop touching my crotch, pervert! Oh, you were just reaching for the remote control. My mistake.”

3. “Juicy.”
WTF. If I never see this one again, I shall die a happy…whatever I am. I hate how people (girls specifically, but it’s more disturbing when guys do it) wear pants with words scrawled across the butt. “Juicy”. “Omega Phi”. “Open Here”. It’s pointless. You want us to ogle your butt? Take your pants off. It’s easier and probably less expensive.

2. They’re confining.
Everyone has dealt with confining pants, and I don’t just mean if they’re a size or two too small. Pants are like mittens (and not in the sense that you’re supposed to have your hands in them). Mittens are confining to your fingers and don’t allow you to grip things properly (get your minds out of the gutter, people!). It’s like two thumbholes. Very uncool. Plus, it’s tough to truly show off your butt in pants, unless you’re wearing a case of #3 above.

1. They make noise.
Ever notice this? You’re walking down a quiet hallway or street and you hear this “swish, swish, swish” (or in the case of those stupid “loud” pants, “SCRIICK! SCRIICK! SCRIICK!”). No matter what fabric the pants are made of, they do this. Drives me crazy.


There. The top 10 reasons why pants can SUCK IT! I apologize for this blog. Chips Ahoy are no longer allowed.

One response

  1. […] Waiter! There’s a hippo in my Taco Grande! – Ye olde rant against pants. One of my early blogs. […]


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