I never told you why I did what I did to you. I guess that makes me a coward. But it also makes you in the dark about certain things, which I think is a good thing both for you and for the other(s) involved. In the short time I knew you, I’ve seen you too close to violence to trust telling you everything, even now.

I will say two things regarding what I did:

1) while it may not have been an appropriate way of doing what needed to be done, it got the job done (forgive me for putting it that way) and for that I’m glad I did it. I knew things wouldn’t have worked out. I think somewhere down in your unconscious mind, you did too.

2) at the same time, it was a petty, impulsive, short-sighted, juvenile thing to do to another human being. I know it may mean nothing to you, but I can assure you that I’ve been experiencing full-swing karmic backlash pretty much constantly since that day/night/week/whatever you want to call it. I still hope, though, that everyone who’s ever done what I did experiences that same karmic backlash. We deserve it.

Every once and awhile I really miss you. I miss how comfortable around each other we were. I miss knowing that when you came over I didn’t have to suffer through hours of pre-meeting anxiety like I do with everyone else outside my immediate family (and sometimes WITH my immediate family).

But I treated you badly. I argued with you on purpose. I pushed you away and hated you when you clung to me even after I’d yell and scream and cry and run. I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone wanted to get close to me, I guess. I don’t really know. I think I actually knew it wouldn’t work from the very beginning. Which is stupid, of course, because I shunned all my friends when they were so quick to point out to me that what we were getting into probably wasn’t a good idea.

Stupid, stupid Claudia.

But I suppose the past is the past. I still miss you, but things are better this way. And I’m not sure why this poorly-veiled blog-letter is happening today. Didn’t have much to say otherwise and you were on my mind.

Which happens sometimes.

Because I still miss you.