You guys sick of reading about my dreams yet? Well too bad, ‘cause here’s another one.

It’s the not-too-distant future and apparently the entire northern West Coast, from Northern California all the way up through the coast of Alaska, has been infected with this rare and 100% deadly virus. The scientists don’t know what caused it, don’t know how to cure it or contain it, but know that it’s spreading east at an alarming rate and will surely wipe out the North American population within like two years’ time.

So the few bigwig science guys still alive on the West Coast have to come up with this idea to somehow save the rest of the North American population while getting rid of the infected coastline people as fast as possible.

In the meantime, every person I know has gotten sick with the disease and has either died a horrific, disfiguring death or is in the process of doing so. Well, everybody except my grandma (the one that hates me because I’m my father’s spawn). My mom (who has been infected but isn’t dead yet) are talking about what my grandma’s going to do and my mom’s like, “I think she’s going to move north.” And somehow I know what the scientists’ big plan is, ‘cause I reply with, “I don’t think there’s going to be much of a north left.”

So yeah. Turns out the scientists have decided that setting off a nuclear bomb right over Western Canada would be the best way to eviscerate the problem of this virus and “humanely” kill all the people still alive who are suffering from the infection.

And guess who gets the job of setting off the bomb?

ME!

The dream shifts and it’s like three weeks later in time. I’ve been briefed over what I need to do in order to set off the bomb, which is basically to press a big red switch when the timer they gave me hits zero. Everyone I know has died except for my mom, who is extremely sick and almost totally paralyzed and mute from the illness. It’s about three hours until I destroy the coast and I’m sitting on a couch in my grandpa’s old room above his garage in California. My mom’s curled up beside me with her head in my lap. She can’t move and can hardly breathe at this point. There are like seven guys sitting on the couch beside me/hanging on the back of the couch and they’re all harassing Martha Stewart, who is also there, about her stint in jail. It’s actually quite amusing, but I’m so overly anxious about the bomb that I can’t really pay attention to them.

Time keeps ticking on, and eventually we reach about a minute left on the timer. I can feel my heart pounding alongside that nervous, almost sick feeling I get before taking a test or giving a presentation. The guys and Martha Stewart have gone elsewhere and my mom and I are alone. She looks up at me and I can see in her eyes that she’s asking me when the pain will be over, so I kiss her on the forehead and say, “it will all be over soon.”

Then I actually try to push her off the couch real hard so that she’ll just die from that and not have to go through the explosion, but that doesn’t work. So I think, “screw this,” run over to the red button, and push it. There’s this HUGE cracking boom in the distance (I actually felt the sound wave hit me in the dream) and I turn to look out the big picture window behind me. Everything still looks normal, so I run downstairs and stand outside the open and empty garage.

I see this huge mushroom cloud not too far from where I am. Birds flying above me are being eviscerated by the explosion already, vaporizing as they’re trying to get away. I can see this huge gust of radioactive wind coming towards me, so I stand out in front of the garage, spread my arms, and shout “take me!” The whole time I’m thinking, “this can only hurt for a few seconds. This can only hurt for a few seconds. It’s not like I’ll feel anything after I’m dead.” And I actually feel this incredible excitement over being able to die. The wind picks up around me and I can feel these little pinpricks of radiation on my arms…

And then my damn phone alarm goes off and I wake up.

Anyway. That dream was up there with that flooding dream I had a while ago in terms of making me freak out once I actually realized it was a dream.

Fun times.