Last night I dreamt that I was in love with my sofa.

Let me repeat that.

Last night I dreamt that I was in love with my sofa.

We wanted to make love but then it was like, “No, wait, I don’t have my slip cover on yet.”
And I go, “It’s okay, baby, I have shoes on.”
So we did it because shoes are apparently a form of human-sofa birth control.
But we done fucked up and accidentally made babies after all.

(They were pillows.)

THIS IS WHAT STRESS DOES TO MY BRAIN GODDAMMIT