So…the whole “is the glass half-empty or half-full” question bugs the hell out of me, and here’s why: every time I’m asked that question, I desire to answer it based on the glass’ function. That is, I want to answer it by asking myself, “what is the purpose of a glass?”

What the hell do I mean? Well, let’s take another example.

Here I have a pen (not really, but just humor me). The pen’s purpose—its “human-granted teleology”—is to write. Yes, there could be other interpretations of this quite easily (a pen is for holding, a pen is for conveying information, a pen is for doodling boobies when you’re bored in stats, etc.), but let’s just stick with the obvious, okay?

So the pen’s purpose is to write. Therefore, if someone were to ask me “is this pen’s ink-chamber-thingy half-full or half-empty?” I would respond with what the state of the ink-chamber-thingy would be after the pen had performed half of its purpose (assuming it held a full chamber-thingy at its manufacture, you never know these days). The chamber-thingy would, then, be half-empty.

Of course, you could look at the same question a different way, now that I look back and realize I specified the ink chamber inside the pen and not the pen itself. What is the purpose of the ink chamber? Certainly not to write (that’s the pen’s job). To hold ink? If so, then it is half-full, as when it began its little journey to completing its teleological purpose (holding a full chamber of ink), it was entirely empty.

Now that I’ve contradicted my argument (BUT NOT MY POINT), let’s look at the glass. If you think that the purpose of a glass is to hold liquid, then you would say that the glass is half-full, right? Since at the beginning of its teleological journey, the glass is empty.

But suppose you say, “you’re an idiot, the purpose of a glass is to be drank from,” then it seems natural to say that the glass is now half-empty, since a glass, in order to be drank from, must contain some amount of liquid, and since trying to drink out of an already-empty glass is dumb.

Does that make any sense? Any sense at all? Do I belabor everything way too much? I believe this discussion could carry on further into the metaphysical realm (“but what if the teleology of the ink chamber is to be empty in order to later hold ink?!”) and ultimately into “what’s the teleological purpose of PEOPLE, OMG?” but I’m hungry and I want instant mashed potatoes like none other, so I’m going to go make some.