I actually spoke in front of an audience this afternoon and didn’t stutter my way into a nonsensical blob of idiocy.

There’s a first time for everything.

To de-stress, I present a questionnaire (NOT a survey!). This is the Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, made famous by the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. These are the questions host James Lipton asks at the end of each interview. My mom and I used to watch the show every once and awhile, and I always wanted to be an actress just so that I could, maybe one day, answer these questions for Mr. Lipton. Haha.

What is your favorite word?
“Syzygy.” A word as difficult to find as an occurrence of its main meaning: a linear configuration of three or more celestial bodies. Its uniqueness in the world of English words—the second-longest word failing to contain a, e, i, o, or u, surpassed only by “rhythms” and tied with its singular—makes this one of my favorite words.
That, and it makes it look like Webster gave Lynyrd Skynyrd a chance to put a word in the dictionary.

What is your least favorite word?
By meaning or by sound? By meaning, it’s “hate.” By sound, it’s a bit tougher. I don’t like words with v’s or w’s, or words with long e sounds. So I guess I should really abhor the word “weave,” eh?
I don’t know. I’ve never liked the word “virgin.”

What turns you on?
Leibniz. Apart from the whole calculus/optimism/we-all-interact-but-we-really-don’t stuff, I actually find the guy pretty physically attractive. I dig blue eyes, and that wig, man, that wig…
And fat. Fat turns me on.

What sound do you love?
I dig brown noise. I know it’s more of a background noise than a particular sound, but it really helps me concentrate, regardless of the surrounding distractions (e.g., people being obnoxious idiots in the “quiet” section of the library, the neverending construction just outside my office, the jerks in the Social lab down the hall who don’t know how to talk at dB levels lower than 180).

What sound do you hate?
My absolute least favorite sound on this planet is babies/toddlers crying. All my muscles tense up super tight whenever I’m in the near vicinity of a bawling child. That particular sound just makes me ridiculously uncomfortable and stressed.

What is your favorite curse word?
Either fuck or pieceofshit! Fuck is ye olde standby and is applicable in almost every situation, whereas pieceofshit! is saved for when things aren’t working correctly. Which is often.

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
I’d totally work as a deep sea fisherman. Most fishermen are exactly the opposite of everything I am and I’d probably die within 24 hours of being out on the ocean, but for whatever reason that career has always had this allure for me. Weird, I know.

What profession would you not like to participate in?
Skill-wise? Perfume developer, haha. But preference-wise, anything that involves a lot of face-to-face interaction. Like a psychologist or a psychiatrist, I would never want to do that. It’d be terrifying and I wouldn’t trust myself to take the right action.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
“You got here by being a decent human being, not by belonging to any particular religious denomination. Also, Leibniz is over there. He’s been waiting for you.”