I just had like 30 Jolly Ranchers and OH MY GOD AM I HYPER so here we go

I freaking love Jolly Ranchers, bro. But only the green apple ones. The rest can go suck it. Especially the grape ones.
(Grape-flavored candy in general is terrible.)

Jolly Ranchers remind me of my dad’s old condo. Back in 7th grade I’d walk there after school, go upstairs to the computer, and eat Jolly Ranchers while I acted like 2001’s Biggest Troll in the Yahoo! chatrooms.

Fun times.

Why are they called “Jolly Ranchers” anyway?


“Bill Harmsen founded the Jolly Rancher Company in 1949 with the goal of having a name that seemed friendly and welcoming to customers.

Makes sense. I guess “Angry Cattleman” wouldn’t sound as appealing.

“Jolly ranchers are amorphous solids, meaning their molecular arrangements have no specific pattern. They are hard, brittle, rigid, transparent and have low molecular mobility.”

Your MOM has low molecular mobility.


“Jolly Ranchers are manufactured by creating a solution of corn syrup, sucrose, glucose, or fructose syrup that is boiled to a temperature of 160 °C and cooled to create a supersaturated mixture that is roughly 2.5 percent water. As the mixture is cooled, natural and artificial flavoring, artificial colors (red 40, blue 1, yellow 5, yellow 6.specific) is added to individual batches of syrup solution which is later mixed with malic acid to improve shelf life and add further flavor. Once the mixture begins to cool it is then extruded into long malleable strings that are cut to size and individually wrapped and packaged”

Recipe translation: sugar, other sugar, that sugar, this sugar, Sugar Ray, more sugar. Add heat. Add rainbow poison. Poop ‘em out, wrap ‘em up, sell.



…and now I don’t remember what I was originally going to blog about.

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