12 hours straight of thesis insanity on top of a very stressful appointment this morning. Claudia needs a survey before she passes out for an hour or so before going to campus. Again.

1. what isn’t not not not isn’t is not isn’t not your name?
I’m Steve. And that’s a whole lotta nots.

2. how many years have you been alive. or hours or seconds or feet?
Years: approximately 23.
Hours: 203182.
Feet: Six and a half.

3. if you were born as and then raised as a slave hundreds of years ago and forced to lick people’s feet but then it turned out that that wasn’t you, that was your uncle, what is your gender?
Hahaha. I’m a lady.

4. what is your body mass index?
Uhhh…17-something, I think.

5. what species are you? this is the boring phrased question:
MANLY! Manly is a species, right?

6. if one day you opened your door to find a dog on the doorstep wearing 2 different pairs of sneakers, what would you do?
If the sneakers were cool, I would ask the dog where he or she got them. After all, a dog sophisticated enough to adorn itself in multiple forms of sneaker certainly should be able to talk. I mean, it’s just logic.

7. how high is your sperm count?
Hopefully very, very, very low.

8. when did you last cut your hair/shave?
I cut my bangs yesterday, actually.

9. could you make a teepee out of the raw materials you find in the woods if you had to?
Damn straight. I’ve done it before.

10. if you’re a guy, would you wear a hot pink dress for at least 10 hours for 100 bucks? if you’re a girl, would you ride a horse around town while naked?
Horses are frightening and I don’t know how I’d feel about letting one between my legs while I was naked.

11. what is your favorite book?
The Caine Mutiny! It’s amaaaazing.

12. if you were locked in a room for 27 hours with only a bag of Cheetos, a turtle, a Britney Spears CD and a walkie talkie, what would you do?
Check out the Walkie Talkie to see if there was anyone interesting out there. If not, I’d monge the Cheetos while balancing the CD on my head to entertain the turtle.

13. hello!!
YO, survey maker!

14. did you ever have a really ugly pair of shoes but you didn’t realize it so you wore them anyway and everyone was like wow thats an ugly pair of shoes but no one told you until your mom finally broke it to you gently?
Nope. But I remember a bunch of 9th graders ganging up on me in the parking lot when I was a 7th grader to tell me how ugly I dressed. Fun times indeed.

15. do you like rap?
Blah. Not my cup of tea.
Eminem’s hilarious, though.

16. what food/object/person makes you want to throw up and then die in your throw up and lay there all dead forever?
Wow, that’s a lot of throw up/death. Can red-orange count for this? That color makes me nauseous.

17. who is your bitch?
R.

18. how are your tapdancing skills?
Never honed them.

19. what would be your email if your sister made it for you? if you dont have a sister then go kill yourself:
UH OH TIME TO DIE!

20. how do you smell right now?
Phenomenal question. Unfortunately, I cannot physically give you an answer.

21. have you ever licked your own foot?
Hahaha, I used to suck on my toes at sleepovers to entertain people.
But I also used to get naked in my sleeping bag and pretend I was “bathing.”
Perchance this was why I had no friends in elementary school?

22. have you ever licked anyone else’s foot?
Um…I don’t think so…

23. have you ever licked the president’s foot?
That. Would. Be. AWESOME.

24. fill in the blanks: my ________ brings all of the ________ to the ________
Blogs, weirdness, and internet.

25. what’s your favorite flavor of condom?
I’ve never tried a flavored condom, actually.

26. do you give good massages?
So I’ve been told.

27. bless you:
Thank you, Jesus!

28. what do you like to do when you’re home alone and no one’s watching you do anything so you can do whatever you want because you’re not being watched because you’re alone?
Get naked. Dance like crazy in front of the mirrors. Make puns.
Oh wait, I do that anyway.

29. are you hot like a toaster?
No, but if you get into the tub with me I’ll electrocute you.

30. what is your job and what is it like working there?
I’m a grad student. It blows and makes me want to kill myself.

31. do you like little kids?
NO.

32. do you like old people who probably smell?
I wouldn’t care about the smell. And all old people, apart from my devil grandma, seem pretty amazing.

33. do you love cats?
Sure.

34. how much do you love them?
Quite a bit.

35. are you innocent?
Pfft.

36. if you had an evil laugh what would it be like?
Awesome.

37. do you sometimes wonder what it would be like to be the opposite gender?
Quite a bit more than anyone would think.

38. do you still play with barbies? no matter what you say im still going to assume you do:
I have no Barbies. DO NOT ASSUME!

39. what are your fetishes?
Fat. Nice, soft, fat chunky dudes. Hell yeah.

40. when was your last period?
That…that’s a good question.