Good lord. So I was in the “advanced reading” group in seventh grade English, which meant we had to read Dune. Our final project had to involve some sort of interpretation of the book. Seeing as how I had a video camera and making video reenactments of everything we possibly could was the easiest way out of anything, we chose to do just that. Unfortunately, we decided to film on a day when it was about 30 degrees outside and there was snow everywhere. Just…just read it. The script was written by Brendan.
(I film during all of this)
Me: The setting is outside the desert cave on the planet Arrakis, otherwise know—(breaks down into laughter)
Me: The setting is outside the very white sanded dune desert cave on the planet Arrakis, otherwise known as Dune. Lady Jessica and her son Paul, the new Atreides duke, are wandering aimlessly through the desert when they come across Fremen land.
Kyle: Who goes there?
Brendan: It is I—
Mitchell (stands up from the playground): Woopsie, haha, I messed up.
Kyle: Alright, cut.
Me: The setting is outside the very white sanded desert cave on the planet Arrakis, otherwise known as Dune. The Lady Jessica and her son Paul, the new Atreides duke, are wandering aimlessly through the desert when they come across Fremen land.
Mitchell: Whaaaaa!!! (jumps off playground and collapses laughing)
Kyle: Who goes there? This is Fremen Land, and you are TRESPASSING!!!
Brendan: I am the duke of the Atreides family, and this is Lady Jessica.
Kyle (walks up to Kristin and kisses her hand): Hello!
[minor fight scene]
Kyle: Should I take ‘em hostage?
Mitchell (hesitantly, he’s getting freaked out by Kyle): No, they are friends…
Brendan: We are friends!
Mitchell (off camera): Cut the scene…cut the darn—
Me (off camera): Fight Scene!
Kyle: I can’t believe I was bested by this child! I will do one-on-one duel with you! Let’s take him to the cave…I’m gonna kick his butt!
Brendan: I don’t want to kill you, though!
Kyle: (maniacal laughter)
Kyle: I will kill you!
Kristin: Are you sure?
Brendan: I’m not sure, but I will then, if it’s…mandatory.
Kyle: I will kill you. I’m going to KILL YOU!
Brendan: Well then BRING IT ON!
Kyle: Kill you!
Brendan: BRING IT ON!! (taunts with stick)
Me (off camera): This is the real Fight Scene!
Kyle: Let’s fight!
[lots of fighting, running, and slipping on the snow while fighting with sticks]
Kyle: BRING IT ON!
Kyle: Paul, of the Atreides, I will KILL YOU!! I WILL KIILL YOU!!
Brendan: You are my friend…(runs up behind him, brandishing a stick)…CHARGE!!!!
[random shot of Mitchell writhing on the floor because he has to pee so bad]
Kyle: The blind man is killing me!
Brendan: I don’t want to kill him! I don’t want to do it, but I will! (stabs him)
[Kyle screams a lot]
Kyle: Oh…the water…water of my body…(unintelligible)
Mitchell (off screen): Cut the darn scene!
Kyle: The rest of the scene might be a little too bloody for the rest of you…down there…so I’ll have to turn it off…you know…so five-year-old children don’t get a sense of the PG-13 idea.
Brendan (off screen): Scene 2: The Ceremony. Setting in the cave. Now the Fremen are holding a ceremony for the dead Jamis…(unintelligible rambling)…his family will SAY A THING OR TWO ABOUT HIM…(unintelligible rambling)…PAUL IS REQUIRED to participate…there is the dead Jamis, sitting in the pale chamber wall!
Brendan (on screen, sounding freakishly like a Gospel preacher): I was a friend of Jamis…Jamis taught me…OH, Jamis was a FREEEEEEEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!…OH JAMIS JAMIS…Jamis taught me…OH JAMIS TAUGHT ME…Jamis taught me that when you kill somebody…when you kill somebody you pay for it…and now I’ve learned that…and I’m sorry! I’m SO SORRY! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!
(Kyle tapes all of this)
Brendan: We are done with the last scene, and now we’re going on to the Drunken Duncan scene.
Kristin: What is all that noise?
Me: I killed over 300 men for my Duke!
Brendan (grabbing onto my sleeve): He escorted a lady…a lady Duke’s daughter…home.
Kristin: Get Dr. Yueh.
Brendan (while struggling to hold on to me): He’s drunk on spice beer! He’s drunk on spice beer!
Me: Too much spice beer?!
Brendan: Shut up! You woke the Lady Jessica!
Me: Who cares?
Me: I won’t take orders from a Harkonnen spy!
[Kristin throws water in my face]
Me: FREAK! You Harkonnen spy!
Kristin: What do you mean?
Me: You are a spy! You are a spy from the Harkonnen…House.
Kristin: Did Hawat come up with this?
[Kristin throws the rest of the water in my face]
Brendan: Time for bloopers! (strips)
Brendan: This is the Duncan Idaho Scene that we cut. We will now act it out for you. The scene that we cut WE DIDN’T REALLY CUT!!!!!
Mitchell (off screen): Hey dude!
Brendan (off screen): How are we gonna act it out?
Me (off screen): No, we can use the script, Brendan, we can just hand it back and forth.
Brendan: “I want my bloody sheath!”
Me: Okay, here, gimme it. Who’s…
Kyle: Ready? And…
Me: I want my bloody sheath you scallywag! Ever heard of Tutankhamun the 4th or 88th? I forget. Crap. I want my mamma!
Kristin: What’s this? I was attacked in the middle of the night! I must go to sleep! But what about Paul? And my Leto, my dear Leto!
Me: Who are thee who dare enter my company, you witch?
Kristin: It’s me, Jessica, lover of thy duke, Leto!
Me: Oh no! Not you witch, shoot!
Kristin: Are you insulting my name, poor old drunk Idaho?
Me (while slowly collapsing to the floor): No! Must…not…no! Being much, no! Leto, Paul, not Paul! Idea! Hawat! Not me! Never…was…never met!
Brendan: He escorted a lady…a lady FRIEND! He’s a very nice fellow, that lady!
Me: I know what you’re talking about, women, AH! Me like escorting women! The woman I escorted home tonight was a bad LADY! Had to kill five Charizards to get her home! Then she drunk me up and tried to ‘ill me! And come here to watch duke…duke Leto’s Jessica…the suspected TRAITOR!!
Kristin: What do you mean, you old mutt? I’m going to whip—(starts laughing uncontrollably)
Me: You’re going to whip my behind with a mallet? You’re going to get Mapes to go get some spice beer? What’s the matter with you, woman?!
Brendan: Here’s some spice coffee! Here’s what he’s been drunk on!
Me: I don’t have a part…(laughter) I don’t have apart till the all wet part!
Brendan: This is Mapes. “Yes my lady.” This is Jessica.
Kristin: Guards, get me some water. Someone get Yueh.
Brendan (bearing snow): Your water! Yes, Lady Jessica! On the double, ma’am!
[Kristin puts the snow on my head]
Me: I’m all wet! Why’d you get me all wet? I like to be dry!
Brendan: Jessica then says: “if you want to be dry, go outside and dry up! Maybe some more ladies will show up, getting drunk again will not hurt you!” Yueh (pronouncing it “you”): “You called my Lady? My Lady Jessica? My Lady?” “Yes, You—”
Me: It’s “YOO-uh!”
Brendan: “Yes Yoo-UHHH! Give this intoxicated insult-hurling Idaho some medicine to calm him down!” YUAAAH: “Yes my lady. On the double my fair Lady Jessica Mistress Lady.” Idaho: “Not the spice coffee, that’s powerful stuff! It’s just plain old addictive! Go away Yueh, HOME!!” Jessica: “You, give me some of that stinkin’ coffee. I’m wanting you to drink this drinkin’ drunken stuff, drunken Duncan!” Idaho: “I don’t like taking orders from traders, especially such a bad one as her.” (points to me)
Brendan: “I mean her (points to Kristin). I musn’t daren’t daren’t…I musn’t daren’t drink it! Go away you witch!” “Watching you has been hard enough, you slippery old slime ball, you! Wait…no. Yes. You. Wait…”
Me (seeing he’s completely confused himself): Jessica. Jessica.
Brendan: JESSICA!! “How could you betray me! You! You! Betray me! Leto too, and he must have known…” (getting way too emotional)
Me: It’s okay…
Mitchell (off screen): JUST READ IT!!
Brendan: “Oh no! Oh. No! It’s not me. I would never hurt my Leto. My darling Leto. My darling duke Leto. My darling duke duke duke Leto.” Idaho: “He is not your Leto. You are his Jessica! He OWNS YOU!”
[hands the script to me, then realizes the mistake, and tries to give it to Kristin]
Brendan: No, Jessica reads it.
Me (desperate): But I wanna read it!
Mitchell (laughing): No, no Jessica reads it.
Brendan: Slowly! Slowly!
Kristin: It must have been Hawat’s idea! He’s always hated me because I am a Bene Gesserit! He is a failure! A sleazy, cowardly, mocking, blabbering, repetitive, annoying, son-of-a-dog person! You must have known about this, Yueh. I thought I could trust you!
Mitchell (with camera turned on him): It wasn’t me! I’m not even in this scene!
Kristin: Ever heard of Judas, the loser who cheated Jesus because he was afraid of a more earthly power? You are all like him, all of you!”
Fun times. Brendan REALLY reminds me of Lanky. And “I’m wanting you to drink this drinkin’ drunken stuff, drunken Duncan” is the best sentence ever written.
[…] I’ve transcribed this here before, but now that I’ve got the wonderful and incredibly high-tech method of taping my TV with my camera and uploading said recording to Compy and then onto YouTube, I can show you the actual video. Not that you care (and not that I expect you to), but I’m posting it anyway. Mostly so that I’ve put it somewhere. […]