First off, Rob, thank you SO MUCH for helping us move! I’m sorry we injured you to the point you were walking like Dr. House to/during/from the drag show.

And now to the meat of my blog…

This new house is AMAZING. And by “amazing” I mean “completely falsely-advertised and yet completely hilarious.”

Things that are totally worth mentioning about this house include:

• There are these two HUGE windows in the front of the house. There are no curtains/blinds/anything to cover them.
• One of these said windows is in Sean’s “bedroom,” which is really just a side room off of the living room that is connected with two large French doors (also without curtains).
• The porch light, which is way too high for any human to reach, has an outlet in it. What the hell?
• There’s this depression in the floor of the corner of the living/dining room. We have no idea what it is or where it came from, but it looks disturbing. We’ve dubbed it the Soul Hole.
• The second bathroom that was listed on the webpage? Yeah, we can’t find it. We’ve decided it’s invisible.
• One of the bedrooms is painted LILAC. It’s amazing.
• The filter for the air vent is like 3 times too big for said air vent. It’s this big green filter just shoved under the vent. Awesome.
• There’s an upper apartment. With people living in it. This wasn’t listed as a duplex. But we can’t find the stairs, so I guess that’s okay.
• The porch tilts dramatically. We’re calling it the “wheelchair accessible” feature.
• My room’s closet has CUBBIES!!
• There’s a random piece of wood tied to the fence.
• Half the lights are missing/broken/both missing and broken. The fluorescent light in the kitchen could cause seizures.
• The window in my room? It FALLS OUT OF THE FRAME. RANDOMLY. WITHOUT PROVOCATION. IT ALMOST KILLED ME.
• And the blind for this window is about five inches too short.
• Michael’s room’s closet doors are off. They’re just propped up against the wall.
• The locks on the three rooms clustered in the back are—get this—on the OUTSIDES of the rooms. That means we can lock those three in their rooms. Sweet.

I’m going to love it here, I’m telling you that right now.