I’ve realized something about the drag shows: everyone else goes there to unwind. I go there and plunge deeper into my thoughts. And tonight showed me something important: I’m a freaking train wreck.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve figured out that I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did. I can’t tell what I’m supposed to feel anymore—I can’t tell if I’m really happy or really sad, hence the rapid changes in my mood lately. I look at my life and think that there’s nothing to be sad about, but then two minutes later I look again and find that there’s no reason to be happy. I don’t know what to do. I’m not what I want to be. It feels like everything’s slowly falling apart around me. I don’t even know if I can rely on my performance at school this semester, because I’m not feeling too confident about it. Deep in my mind, I know that if I lose that, I lose everything. I can’t let go, but I so desperately want to.

I know I shouldn’t complain. I’m just rapidly losing sight of what I need. So what if I have a 4.0? So what if I have friends? So what if I can afford all the necessities of life? I’m not happy. At least, I don’t think I am. I don’t even know anymore.

I feel like I’m missing something, like there’s a gaping hole in my life somewhere that needs to be filled. It’s like a gnawing in the back of my mind or a scratching at my skin. I really need something; I need it desperately, right here and now. I just don’t know what it is. I can’t sit still I need it so badly. My mind is shooting in a thousand directions, trying to find what it is. I need to sit down and have a good conversation with someone. I need the answers. I need reassurance, even if it’s just a bunch of empty promises. I need to find the reasons for it all. I need someone to hug. I need to get out of my head for awhile and just be, but I know that’s impossible. I feel like I’m on a treadmill, running and running as fast as I can all the while knowing that I won’t be anywhere different when I’m done.

I’m trapped. I hate it. I almost wish I would fail, so then I could be free.

I want to start over.

I’m so sick of myself.