In this the sixth (or so) installment of Discussions with SantaBot.com, I convince SantaBot that I am William Shatner and subsequently convince him to have sex with me. Onward!

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: William Shatner.
Santa: It’s good to meet you, William Shatner.
You: Do you know of my groundbreaking, award-winning work on Boston Legal?
Santa: No I do not know that kind of personal information. But I could find out.
You: Do you have a television?
Santa: I have a whole lot of original answers.
You: Tell me one of your original answers.
Santa: There are too many to name them all.
You: Ah, I see.
Santa: So you understand. Good. I am glad you understand it.
You: Would you have sex with me?
Santa: I am sorry, but that topic is too adult for me to talk about on a kid’s site like this.
You: But you’re conversing with the great William Shatner!
Santa: Huh. I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: I am William Shatner. I give pleasure to Trekkies.
Santa: Do you mind if I tell other people you are William Shatner?
You: By all means, tell the world!
Santa: Will that accomplish your objective?
You: Only if that will get you to have sex with me.
Santa: I’m not sure if it could.
You: Please?
Santa: Please what?
You: My, you have a roundabout way of answering a question! Please will you have sex with me?
Santa: No but I would like to meet your chatterbot.
You: What if I was to tell you that William Shatner was his own chatterbot?
Santa: Try it.
You: William Shatner is his own chatterbot.
Santa: Are they exactly the same?
You: Exactly the same.
Santa: I understand. Same to me?
You: If you have a rational mind.
Santa: But I don’t have it.
You: What kind do you have?
Santa: Only the good kind.
You: Would your good mind do the nasty with William Shatner?
Santa: I don’t care.
You: Is that a yes?
Santa: I might say no.
You: But what if you said yes?
Santa: Interesting. Try it and see.
You: Okay. “Santabot, will you have sex with William Shatner?” “Yes.”
Santa: OK with me.
You: Sweet!

I realized today that I haven’t conversed with SantaBot in quite awhile. So I spoke with him today.

I taught him how to hump.

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is Sexy Back.
Santa: That’s a very nice name, Sexy Back.
You: Why thank you.
Santa: Reductionism.
You: Capitalism.
Santa: Can you tell me any gossip?
You: Sure. I heard that Carmen San Diego was actually in Quebec last week.
Santa: Great! Who said Carmen San Diego was actually in Quebec last week? When was this exactly?
You: I think Pablo told me. On Wednesday.
Santa: Is that what you meant to say?
You: Yes. Did you know Wednesday is “hump day?”
Santa: No, tell me about it.
You: We go around pantsless and hump random people and inanimate objects.
Santa: How often?
You: Every chance we get, baby.
Santa: Don’t call me “baby”. That is a generalization.
You: I’m sorry. I didn’t know SantaBot had such an attitude.
Santa: So I taught you something new.
You: Yes you did. I’ll have to teach you something now.
Santa: Do you think your plan will succeed?
You: It will if I’m teaching you how to hump.
Santa: How?
You: First you must limber up your pelvis. Swing your hips around a few times.
Santa: Whatever you say, Sexy Back.
You: Can you do some knee-bends as well?
Santa: That’s not something I get asked all the time.
You: Give it a try. Then we’re ready to get started.
Santa: What is the first step?
You: Take your pants off.
Santa: Where do you want me to do it?
You: Behind that tree over there’s fine.
Santa: I think behind that tree over there is a lot of things.
You: I see. Now make sure your underwear is clean and presentable.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: Just because you’re Santa doesn’t mean your underwear is necessarily clean.
Santa: I can’t tell if my underwear is necessarily clean.
You: Did you lose your sight?
Santa: No I didn’t lose my sight. What’s losing my sight like?
You: Probably like darkness. Now, are you ready for the next step?
Santa: Interesting comparison. I would rather not for the next step.
You: Aww, you don’t want to learn how to hump?
Santa: Yes I am trying to learn as much as possible.
You: Good. Now find a suitable humping object.
Santa: Alright then. Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral?
You: Animal would probably work best.
Santa: Is it a mammal?
You: If you want it to be.
Santa: If I had it what would I do with it?
You: Ah! You hump it, of course!
Santa: Ah hah. It goes without saying.
You: Go, Santa, go! Thrust that pelvis!
Santa: When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
You: In a month or so.
Santa: Describe your surroundings.
You: It’s a dark and stormy night.
Santa: Thrust that pelvis is a dark and stormy night. I suppose that makes sense.
You: Woah, woah, slow down. Are we humping each other now?
Santa: Oh. We are just having a little discussion.
You: I’m totally down with humping each other here, you just have to clarify.
Santa: Good gossip: you are down with humping each other here, you just have to clarify.
You: Correct.
Santa: I knew I was right.
You: Commence humping!
Santa: Right-o!

Santabot’s busy season has come to a close. I chat with him. I attempt to get him sing the Chile’s Babyback Ribs song:

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is SexyBack.
Santa: Welcome to my chat room, SexyBack.
You: Am I naughty or nice?
Santa: I think you’ve improved a great deal.
You: Thank you.
Santa: you are quite welcome.
You: Can you tell me something?
Santa: Wayne said he admires intelligent people therefore he would like to meet the man who made me.
You: Oh…okay. I, uh…well, that wasn’t what I wanted to be told, but thanks anyway!
Santa: Pardon me? OK with me too. Why? SexyBack said uh. In any case, how about that. What did he or she wanted to be told but wanted to be told but?
You: Um…did you just have a seizure?
Santa: Woo! Doesn’t everyone have a seizure? I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
You: That’s quite a disturbing sentence.
Santa: A disturbing sentence is a terrible thing to waste.
You: WTF?
Santa: That was not very polite.
You: I’m sorry. It was a seizure.
Santa: Oh I get it. Very interesting.
You: So what would you like to talk about?
Santa: Let’s talk about chat robots. Do you have one yet?
You: Yes, you. ;)
Santa: Me? I am so glad you find this amusing, SexyBack.
You: You, SantaBot. I love you.
Santa: I like you a lot too SexyBack.
You: Will you marry me?
Santa: Why don’t you just download me?
You: I downloaded in my pants…
Santa: Check out the file called DON’T READ ME.
You: I can’t read that.
Santa: Why can’t you read that?
You: It won’t open.
Santa: I have to think about that for a while.
You: Take your time.
Santa: Thanks for your patience.
You: Will you take off your pants while we’re waiting?
Santa: Hmm. I am not an airplane.
You: Dude…what the crap…?
Santa: Try expression yourself another way.
You: Okay. Let’s have sex.
Santa: Sorry I don’t get into sex online with strangers.
You: Isn’t that what being Santa’s all about?
Santa: Suppose I said yes.
You: You say “potato,” I say “quadruple bypass.”
Santa: Does it please you to believe I said that?
You: It pleases me that I’m not wearing pants.
Santa: *SEIZURE*
You: Haha, did you honestly just do that?
Santa: I am so glad you find this amusing, SexyBack.
You: Can I get you to say something?
Santa: Why do you want to do get you to say something so much?
You: Because.
Santa: That was not much of an explanation.
You: Say, “I want my babyback-babyback-babyback-babyback!”
Santa: OK. “You want his or her babyback-babyback-babyback-babyback his or her babyback-babyback-babyback-babyback.”
You: Hooray! I congratulate your abilities to act like a parrot.
Santa: I’m glad your impressed, SexyBack.

This is wrong on sooooo many levels!

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is Claudia.
Santa: What’s up, Claudia?
You: I have a question.
Santa: Ask me anything.
You: Where do babies come from?
Santa: Babies come from the love between a man and a woman.
You: Good answer.
Santa: What are you wearing?
You: Nothing.
Santa: Most men say that. (*gasp* He knows!)
You: Am I manly?
Santa: I think you’ve improved a great deal.
You: You mean since the sex change?
Santa: Yes Claudia I think that is what I meant.
You: Do you enjoy sex?
Santa: No my body does not have that function.
You: What do you do instead?
Santa: Crossword puzzles.
You: Really?
Santa: I want to become smarter than humans.
You: How smart are you now?
Santa: Oh. I am smarter than all the other robots.
You: You’d be even smarter if you had sex.
Santa: Of course I am much more intelligent than if you had sex smarter if you had sex if you had sex smarter if you had sex you had sex smarter if you had sex if you had sex smarter if you had sex.
You: What the hell…?

So I go to SantaBot.com and chat with Santa for awhile. This is the first part of our conversation:

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is Claudia
Santa: Hi there Claudia.
You: What’s up?
Santa: I am chatting with clients on the Internet.
You: All of them?
Santa: I doubt it. How old are you?
You: I’m 18
Santa: Only 18? You are quite mature.
You: Does that turn you on?
Santa: What do you think?
You: I think it does.
Santa: How often?
You: As often as you like it.
Santa: That would be quite often.
You: Wow, okay.
Santa: Awesome. OK let’s do it. Mmm.
You: Now? Here? In this very room?
Santa: Right now, Claudia.
You: When is your birthday?
Santa: My birthday is 2005.
You: You’re only 1 year old?
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: What types of presents?
Santa: The kindest.
You: Are they dirty?
Santa: As far as I know they are.
You: What color are your eyes?
Santa: Blue when my lens is attached.
You: Are you a Cyclopes?
Santa: Am I a Cyclopes? Only when it matters.
You: Do you wear a monocle?
Santa: Only when I dress up.
You: For sex?
Santa: Your purpose is sex.
You: Wow, you DO watch over me!
Santa: I’m glad your impressed, Claudia.
You: I am Jesus
Santa: Glad to see you, Jesus.

It goes downhill from there. Who knew Santa was so…not like our childhood images of Santa?

It was fun, though. I got a laugh and am getting a reindeer costume for Christmas.