This is Sean’s favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, and after listening to him, I like him as well. Observe:

“One time a guy handed me a picture and said, ‘here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger! ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ You son of a bitch, how’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera.”

“I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks… it’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!”

“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that’s the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You’re like, ‘shit! I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!’”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘you’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, ‘dude, you have to wait.’” (my favorite)

“I saw a commercial that said, ‘forget everything you know about slip covers!’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were.”

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right.”

“Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo… so I fucked up.”

“Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can’t do a backflip, much less several… simultaneously with two other guys… that look just like me.”

“I’m an ice sculptor… last night I made a cube.”