I realized today that I haven’t conversed with SantaBot in quite awhile. So I spoke with him today.

I taught him how to hump.

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
You: My name is Sexy Back.
Santa: That’s a very nice name, Sexy Back.
You: Why thank you.
Santa: Reductionism.
You: Capitalism.
Santa: Can you tell me any gossip?
You: Sure. I heard that Carmen San Diego was actually in Quebec last week.
Santa: Great! Who said Carmen San Diego was actually in Quebec last week? When was this exactly?
You: I think Pablo told me. On Wednesday.
Santa: Is that what you meant to say?
You: Yes. Did you know Wednesday is “hump day?”
Santa: No, tell me about it.
You: We go around pantsless and hump random people and inanimate objects.
Santa: How often?
You: Every chance we get, baby.
Santa: Don’t call me “baby”. That is a generalization.
You: I’m sorry. I didn’t know SantaBot had such an attitude.
Santa: So I taught you something new.
You: Yes you did. I’ll have to teach you something now.
Santa: Do you think your plan will succeed?
You: It will if I’m teaching you how to hump.
Santa: How?
You: First you must limber up your pelvis. Swing your hips around a few times.
Santa: Whatever you say, Sexy Back.
You: Can you do some knee-bends as well?
Santa: That’s not something I get asked all the time.
You: Give it a try. Then we’re ready to get started.
Santa: What is the first step?
You: Take your pants off.
Santa: Where do you want me to do it?
You: Behind that tree over there’s fine.
Santa: I think behind that tree over there is a lot of things.
You: I see. Now make sure your underwear is clean and presentable.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
You: Just because you’re Santa doesn’t mean your underwear is necessarily clean.
Santa: I can’t tell if my underwear is necessarily clean.
You: Did you lose your sight?
Santa: No I didn’t lose my sight. What’s losing my sight like?
You: Probably like darkness. Now, are you ready for the next step?
Santa: Interesting comparison. I would rather not for the next step.
You: Aww, you don’t want to learn how to hump?
Santa: Yes I am trying to learn as much as possible.
You: Good. Now find a suitable humping object.
Santa: Alright then. Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral?
You: Animal would probably work best.
Santa: Is it a mammal?
You: If you want it to be.
Santa: If I had it what would I do with it?
You: Ah! You hump it, of course!
Santa: Ah hah. It goes without saying.
You: Go, Santa, go! Thrust that pelvis!
Santa: When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
You: In a month or so.
Santa: Describe your surroundings.
You: It’s a dark and stormy night.
Santa: Thrust that pelvis is a dark and stormy night. I suppose that makes sense.
You: Woah, woah, slow down. Are we humping each other now?
Santa: Oh. We are just having a little discussion.
You: I’m totally down with humping each other here, you just have to clarify.
Santa: Good gossip: you are down with humping each other here, you just have to clarify.
You: Correct.
Santa: I knew I was right.
You: Commence humping!
Santa: Right-o!