Odd, odd, odd. I found a pile of my old stuff from junior high piled in a corner of our office at home. What strange things…

1. Abort Our Butts! (Save Our Forests)
The increasing amounts of tuna fish in our rivers have been the causes of the many unnatural floods in the spring. According to a local law enforcer, the abundant supply of tuna fish has been clogging the rivers, causing, if you will, “natural dams.” Thousands and thousands of tuna fish have been seen in huge piles along the riverfronts in northern Idaho and Washington. Along with being the causes of the floods, the piles of tuna fish are also giving off dangerous amounts of toxic gas called “whatthehellisthatsmell.” Whatthehellisthatsmell is an extremely dangerous gas that can kill almost instantly. A concerned younger member of our community wrote this following strongly worded letter about the events taking place:

Dear Mayer and his Trustee Counsil-men,

My name is Phut. I like to play in the river by my howse but now you and your Trustee counsil-men have bloked it of. That rely makes me fel angry cuz when I play in the river by my howse I fel hapy. Mommy says that Mr. Mayer and his trusty counsil-men are just doing it to protekt the family. Daddy says @#&! the mayer. I agre with daddy. @#&! you!

Yers trooly,
Phut

2. Some story about a football player and his pants
“Martins, running down the field…he’s at the 40…the 35…the 20! The 10 yard line and…oh my god! He just TOOK his PANTS off! Holy crap! And as if that’s not enough…HOLY COW! He ripped his underwear off! Oh my god up in heaven, Martins made the touchdown with his pants on the 10th yard line and his underwear on the 4th! Is this a day for sports or what! Can you BELIEVE this? Martins…his pants…oh my—we need to get down to that field! Okay…okay…they got him a towel, he’s descent now… We have Dennis Hatkins in the field with Paul Martins…Dennis?”

“Thanks, Pedro. Now Paul, why the strip tease on the 10 yard line?”

“I’ll tell ya, Dennis. It’s about masculinity. All about showin’ who’s boss. Now take Michelson over there. I ain’t seen HIM rip his pants off. BAM, Dennis, I just got channel 6 another 3 million viewers, just by takin’ off my tighty whities.”

“Thank you, Paul.”

“Damn right.”

“Back to you, Pedro.”

Man, I don’t know. Don’t pay any attention to what I have to say today.